|OLD| 666: Kaitlyn's Nightmare

Weak

Today...
Today is November 17, 2018.
I'm hiding in the bathroom
right beside the cafeteria
again.

It is my Sophomore Year of High School.
I have been playing volleyball for a year now.
Nine months Freshman Year.
And three months this year.
Twelve months.
I have been bullied for a year.
Why does it feel like it has been longer?
Everyday.
School is from 8:00AM
to 3:30PM.
Assuming a year means 365 days,
I have been bullied for...
12 months.
52 weeks.
365 days.
8760 hours.
525,600 seconds.

But who's counting every
agonizing
second
of
every
day?

It's nonstop.
She told me if I blocked her number that
she'd hit me harder.
That if I told anyone,
she would hurt Jasper.

Ava
She knew all my pressure points.
She knew how to make me sweat.
She knew how to keep me alert.
On my toes, looking behind my back.
Crying in a bathroom stall
during lunch time.
Starving myself
and
finding other ways
to hurt myself
without hurting my mom's heart.

I knew killing myself wouldn't help,
because I knew my mother would cry
over both my father and my death.
She'd blame herself
for being a 'horrible wife and mother'...

I love you, Momma.
I'd never do that to my Mom.
I tell her how much I love her
each and every morning.
I cook her muffins and bring her juice
so she wakes up to the smell
of banana and oranges.
She says it makes her dream
of a tropical vacation
to Fuji.

I tell her how much I love her
and would follow her to Fuji
despite being terrified of the beaches.
I always will
and always have
loved my mother.

She saved me from my troubles
so many times.
I cook her dinner every night,
and she tells me how sweet
and how beautiful I am.

...Mom, she uh... heh....

She asked me if I wanted to be a chef last night.
I had to admit, it caught me off guard.
To think somebody
could like my cooking and baking
simply surprised me.

And when she asked me why,
I forced a smile.
And I saw it in her eyes.
I could no longer hold contact
with her honest blue eyes.
I looked at the ground.
"I thought,"
I said aloud.
"for the longest time...
that you only said things
like this
because you pitied me."

She went to say something, but
I cut her off.
With a smile that was as honest
as her kind ocean eyes.
"But I know now that you'd never do that."
I maintain that smile of mine
as I continued.
"I love you, Momma."

And my mother smiled softly
and pulled me into her warm embrace.
"Please never leave me." she whispered
as she placed a kiss on my temple.
"I don't think I could live without you, Kats."

I almost felt myself break.
I couldn't help but melt into her arms.

Weak...
I think that's the word Ava would use.
I'm "weak".
I almost let
my secret slip.

I almost said,
"Momma,"
I almost said,
"I have something to tell you."
I almost said,
"I'm sorry I lied."

But I didn't.

And now here I am
in a bathroom stall.

I feel myself growing sick
at the thought
of going out into the cafeteria.
I know Jasper is waiting for me.
But I just want to go home.

I hold onto my hoodie
digging my fingers
into my stomach
where it hurts.
And I throw up everything I ate for dinner
last night.
The food I ate with Mom
while we watched CSI.

And I wipe my lips onto toilet paper.
I call Mom,
she picks up on the second ring.

"Kaitlyn? What's wrong, baby?"
Her voice is sweet
like taffy.

"Momma," I say
fear coating my voice.
"I got sick, Momma.
Please come get me."

She tells me,
"Calm down, Kats. I'll be there in five minutes."

I make my way to the office,
tears in my eyes.

Why am I so weak?