(Not) forgetting tris prior.

Shes gone

After Bea's party, I carry her upstairs and lay down with her in my bed. I got rid of her crib because I could never bring myself to put her in it, so now we share the bed. She lays on my chest and sucks her thumb and strokes the stubble on my chin. "I love you Bea..." I whisper. "Luh you da-da..." She says in her sweet little baby voice that fills my eyes with tears. I smile and hold her on my chest and rub her back.

After she falls asleep, I hold her to my chest and get up. I walk to my desk and get out the one picture I have of tris. It's a picture of the two of us kissing when she got the top spot in initiation. Tears run down my cheeks without me noticing. I lay Bea down and sit on the edge of the bed and cry hard, clutching to the picture for support. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her.

She was my life. My world. I didn't deserve to have her love me, but she did. And the fact that I knew that she loved me, that meant more to me than anything.

I feel a hand on my back and I instantly know that it's my mothers hand. I turn and face her with tears running down my face. "What's wrong Tobias?..." She asks quietly. "I miss her so much...." I say through tears as I hold the picture closer. She sighs and looks at the picture in my hands. "Can I see that?.." She asks quietly. I nod reluctantly and hand it to her. She turns it over and looks at it. "Oh Tobias...." She sighs. "This.... This is a beautiful picture... But why does it make you cry?..." She asks. I suddenly get furious with her. "Because she's dead mom! Because I can never see that smile again! Or have her kiss me! Or raise Bea with me! Or marry me! She's gone! Forever! And I can't change that! I can't save her!" I break down into sobs and put my face in my hands. She sighs and pulls me close to her and let's me cry into her shoulder like a little kid. "I know that Tobias.... But when you look at that picture, you should think of all of the good times you had together... You should remember her smile, or her kiss.... You should think about how she's with her parents now.... Can't you see how happy that must've made her?" Evelyn asks quietly. I look up at the ceiling. I know it's selfish, god, it's selfish. But no. I don't want her to be happy up there, because I want her to be happy right here, with me. I feel a small pair of arms around me and I know it's her. It's my tris. God I wish it was real... That I could see her one last time. The next thing I know, Bea has climbed into my lap and I'm holding her while my mother holds onto me. I just cry, and cry, and cry, until I fall asleep. Is this what my life is going to be like? Crying myself to sleep in my mothers arms with my baby on my chest? Even I am not this pathetic. Tris would laugh at me if she could see me now. She'd call me Al... We'd make jokes together and she'd tell me to suck it up.... She wouldn't want her death to affect me like this... But too late, it happened anyways.

I am irreparably, deeply broken, and that won't change. Not as long as she's gone.