Afraid to Love you

Chapter 1

Author's Note: Hey!! This is my first fanfic, so thank you for checking it out!! Updates may be a bit slow, but I hope you guys enjoy it nonetheless! (Also I'll add a proper cover photo later, I was just too excited to post this). This will also be on AO3 and Tumblr.

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She wasn't sure how or when it happened. She's been attracted to guys her whole life, why was she feeling these emotions for another female? No, it's just a phase, just her hormones changing and being dumb in the process. She liked guys, always have and always will.

That was the lie she told her friends and herself almost daily, it's become a script for her, something she repeated over and over until it was carved into her brain. She would stand in front of the mirror for what felt like days, this very mantra forever echoing in the back of her mind as she would often find herself staring longingly at her female teammate, and even though she pushed aside all growing feelings for her, they always came charging back, stampeding over her heart, the heart that wanted so badly to tell Bobble how Headphones really felt. But her brain would scold her for such thinking. So she lied, and every time that same lie was repeated, she felt a quick stab to the chest and the tears form in the corners of her eyes, threatening to fall and slither down into the cracks of her yearning heart, making it an unbearable pain that had begun to haunt her every waking moment of her life.

Love is supposed to be a beautiful emotion, so why was she afraid of it?

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The sound of her alarm bounced off the walls and to her ears as she slammed her hand down on the power button, shutting it off. Headphones sat up slowly, her head turning as she wearily looked at the window. Even with the glass so fogged up, her tired eyes could still see the few raindrops falling from the sky, twinkling with the early morning light, like fallen stars that were no longer wanted by the others. So they tumbled to the ground as the dark clouds continued to hang around in the air, casting the city in grey lighting, nature mimicking her mood perfectly. Headphones tore her gaze away from the window and let out a sigh, falling back down into the mattress, feeling her body sink into the foam, as if the negativity that had been clouding her mind last night sunk into her bed, weighing it down. For a moment she wanted to apologize to the inanimate object, for handing off her pain and sadness to it, but she didn't. She knew it couldn't feel and couldn't care less about what she had been feeling lately. She scoffed at herself for feeling so sentimental for a piece of furniture, and continued to let it bear the weight of her problems.

A grunt escaped Headphones' lips as she forced herself to leave the warm comfort of the bed behind, giving her body up to the still air that filled the room, the lifeless atmosphere circling her like a predatory animal, taunting her about the previous night. Despite the low howling emitted from the air vent in the ceiling, and the way the cold aura seemed to whisper inaudible words into her ears, Headphones ignored the suffocating ambiance and her intrusive thoughts that lurked in the back of her mind, not wanting today to end up like yesterday. Headphones let out a shaky sigh as she dragged herself over to the dresser, vaguely noticing the black paint job was flaking off, but it hardly concerned her as she weakly grasped her Squid Satin Jacket and slipped it on over her body, covering up her usual tank top. She wasn't quite sure why she had grabbed her jacket, maybe it was the weather, or maybe it just gave her a sense of security, either way, it felt appropriate to wear at the moment. She lowered her eyes to the wood flooring, grabbing her red Hi-Horses from the side of the dresser--making a mental note to sweep the floor later--as she slipped her feet into her shoes and haphazardly tied the laces, latching onto the edge of the dresser and pulling herself up, her eyes immediately drawing themselves to the mirror in front of her, and for a moment, Headphones felt like a deer caught in the headlights. She felt like she was being watched, hardly recognizing her own reflection that was staring back at her. She couldn't pull her eyes away, she knew what she was looking at, she knew who she was looking at, but she didn't all the same. It was a painful trance and she was just barely able to tear her gaze away from the glass, only to look down at her hands, realizing they had already found their way to her headphones. Picking them up gingerly, her eyes felt watery as she looked over the headset, like it was completely new, before she carefully placed it atop her head and turned towards the door.

As Headphones trudged out the bedroom door, she looked towards the plain ceiling, her eyebrows knitting together in a slightly pained expression, silently praying--to whatever god it may concern--that the dreary weather would discourage the others from dragging her outside to train with them. This past week had been nothing but Hell for her, with her insecurities constantly following her around and mocking her for every little slip up and laughing at her ever growing feelings for her friend, it was pulling her down, and has begun to really affect her in battle as well. Yet Headphones continued to walk down the quiet hallway, which was only slightly disturbed by the incoherent chattering from her friends in the room ahead. In all honesty, she really just wanted a day to herself to collect the tornado of thoughts cycling in her brain, but as she made it to the living room and saw that the others were ready to go, she knew that wasn't going to happen.

"It's about time you woke up. We're late for training and Rider is probably gonna have our heads for it," Glasses scolded her the minute she walked into the room. He folded his arms together and looked at her expectantly as she approached the group with slow, heavy steps. She tried coming up with a reply, maybe something snarky or even a simple apology for making them wait for her to pull herself out of bed, but her brain was clouded, the words were there, but she couldn't seem to comprehend them and form a sentence, not even a simple 'sorry'. Headphones looked up at him as if she was about to speak, but she bit her tongue and looked up at him with foggy eyes laced with sadness, no doubt her crappy mood was showing, she could tell by the way Glasses' expression went from annoyance to concern when she didn't snap back at him.

"Relax, Glasses, she's up now so let's go!" Goggles cheered, throwing his hands in the air before turning on his heel and charging out the door. Bobble turned and cast them a smile, giggling as she turned back around and followed him happily. Headphones looked after her, her lips curling upwards into a soft smile, staring longingly after Bobble. Oh what Headphones wouldn't give to just take the other girl in her arms, to confess these feelings that have been following her around for months now, but she refrained from doing so. No matter how badly her heart wanted it, her mind said no, and so she listened.

"Headphones." Glasses waved his hand in front of her face, causing her to jump back as she was pulled back to reality, her thoughts retreating into the back of her mind. Headphones turned to face Glasses, looking at him expectantly as she regained her composure.

"Are you okay? You just stopped walking and started to stare off into space. I was worried something happened." It took her a minute to register his question, but when the words hit her, she went cold. Like ice had slowly began to inch its way up her body, freezing her in place. She had gotten so lost in her thoughts that she forgot he was there with her, and to make it worse, he saw her staring. Staring longingly after her teammate. The dread constricted her heart, the fear of him finding out scared her, and for a moment, she felt sick. Sick of herself.

"Huh? Oh, yea I just..." she could feel the bile rise up in her throat as the very thoughts she's been keeping back were threatening to slip out of her mouth. The thoughts she has been shoving into the back of her mind, hiding from everyone. She couldn't tell anyone, because she knew they'd look at her differently, they'd bring her fears to life, repeat all the things she felt about herself, they'd hate her if they knew the truth.

"... Come on, we should catch up with them." Headphones turned away and raised her hand to her forehead as if she was overcome by a sudden headache, a pained expression crossing her face. Glasses gave her a concerned look, but didn't say anything else as he followed close behind her, heading out the door and down the stairs. They walked side-by-side together in silence, the sound of their shoes hitting the metal steps bounced off the brick walls and back to them. It was sorta hypnotic, in a dreadful way, and Headphones was glad to see the glass doors at the end of the stairwell, and before she knew it, she was running towards those large doors, as if they were a gateway to freedom.

Her boots met the rough, coarse concrete as she bolted out of the apartment complex. Headphones caught herself, stopping to catch her breath after the sudden burst of adrenaline. She sighed, and her eyes gazed up into the sky, tall buildings made of glass and brick towered above her, casting long, protective shadows down on the world below them; she felt like she was seeing a city for the first time. The dark clouds still held on to the wind, the faint smell of rain following close behind, all while the sun fought against the grey barricade to shine a few thin rays of light down upon the city. The air felt different, too. Maybe it was the soft breeze, or maybe she was just more awake now, but she definitely didn't feel as weighed down as she did before. Sure, she didn't feel amazing, but she did feel a bit better, and as she glanced over at Bobble--who was happily chatting with Goggles--she couldn't help but smile. Maybe, just maybe, today would be a good day.