breathe. [l.h]

3.

Being held by him is the most amazing thing anyone could experience. It's a privilege itself to have his arms wrapped around my body holding me for dear life, his head in the crook of my neck holding me like I'm his only hope holding back tears. Although, this has to be the worse thing that happens to him it's heaven to me. In this moment I am able to be held by  him to comfort him, do what she can't do, what the perfect woman can't do.

He never cried in these moments never, he simply holds me tight making sure I won't leave from his grip. I would never leave this it's too good, too rare, too addictive. I long for him to stay like this forever, for him to once again drink the right amount to be sad to feel as if I will save him. That him holding me having me in his arms will make it go away.

Although tomorrow morning or today in a couple of hours he won't remember this I will. I'll remember and come back to this memory every single night, I'll memorize the way his body curls into mine making sure every single piece of his skin touches mine, the way I can feel his lip quiver against my shoulder blade, his hair rubbing my neck when he moves him head around. How for a moment for a couple of minutes he becomes me and I become him, we switch roles and the ball is now in my court.

He is now weak and i am in power, I could do whatever I want with him anything, everything yet nothing. I could touch every single part of his body my hands are free to travel and do as they would like, to do the simple thing he doesn't allow me to do in a daily basis because he believes it'll make me get attached. It's a little too late to prevent it, I am attached to him. I would die without him.

He is my oxygen and the closer he is to me the better I breath, the better I feel, my heart beats better and faster. He is everything to me, he means the world to me and I would do anything for him anything all he has to do is ask and I would do it. I love him.

"Stop thinking." His voice is rough yet weak he sounds like a small child after a fight with their mother trying to seem bigger than they are. "What do you mean?" To stop thinking would be impossible, my life would disappear he wouldn't be in my mind if I stopped thinking. I need him.

"You know what I mean," He detached himself from me pushing me deeper into the bed as he sits up. He's mad, I have made him mad. "I'm sorry, I'll stop thinking. But come back and hold me please."

"God you're such a stupid girl, what do you even think about so much." I long to tell him the truth, that I think of him that that's all I think about him only him. He's the only thing that fills my mind the only man, human, living creature it's all him. I wish for him to think the same about me, I need him to want me the same way I want him, for him to only think of me and not her not the perfect woman who's name is as beautiful as her body, face, personality everything about her is perfect everything she has no flaws.

"Nothing." I turn to look straight at the ceiling, a pretty shade of light blue mixed with pink, I painted it myself and Luke got mad he hates how childish my room, I love it. He takes a deep breath and stands from the bed walking out, "where are you going?" I don't get an answer all I hear is the door for the fridge open then slam closed. He walks back in with a bottle of whiskey in his right hand and the carton of cigarettes he had left in the kitchen on his left hand. He sits back in the edge of the bed and drinks from the bottle.

"You drink so much" I hate it, he is always drunk around me I can't remember the last time I kissed him and he didn't taste like liquor. "So what," his voice is so rough like always it never changes never not when he's around me. I stay quiet once again, I don't want to make him more mad, I hate seeing him mad.

We're both so quiet most of the time now, it's been months since him and I had a full conversation without him getting mad or leading to sex. We used to be so good together as if we needed each other, now it's almost as if I'm the only one in need here. He no longer needs me, I know this he'll leave me soon and I'll break again. "Have you ever been in love?"

Yes. Yes. Yes I have and it's with you, I love you with all my soul, I need you, you complete me. "I don't know." I love you. I love you. I love you. I hope he knows that, I love him and I want him to love me again. "What do you mean you don't know? Have you never loved anyone? Your mom? Dad?" I stay quiet again and wait for him to realize what he has said, what his stupid questions have brought up.

I feel the bed move and his body get closer to mine, it's not close enough for our skin to touch, I long for his touch. He grabs me and pulls me to him letting my weight rest over his leg. I look at him and he smiles a lazy smile, he knows he went too far with what he said. He knows not to bring my parents up.

"Sorry." I smile at him and whisper, "Okay you're forgiven" he didn't have to say sorry, he can never do anything wrong.