Dear Diary,
Have you ever felt like the whole world is caving in on you and there's nothing you can do to stop it? That's how I feel everyday. I constantly feel like i'm suffocating and I hate it. I don't want to feel this way anymore, I can't handl...
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Dear Diary,
Have you ever felt like the whole world is caving in on you and there's nothing you can do to stop it? That's how I feel everyday. I constantly feel like i'm suffocating and I hate it. I don't want to feel this way anymore, I can't handle it. I want to be able to walk out of my door and not care about how others may be looking at me or what they're thinking when I walk down the street. I want to be able to embrace my unique traits but I just can't seem to look past societies beauty guidelines. I'm being ruled by magazines cutouts and models that wouldn't even look st me twice on the streets. I can't talk to people about this because they just wouldn't understand what i'm going through and would tell me that it's just a phase and that it'll be over. I can't remember phases lasting this long though and it scares me. I don't want to be like this forever.
Yours sincerely, Insecurity
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"Honey you're going to be late for school!" My mom shouted from downstairs, just as I finished writing my first diary entry. Her loud voice could've been heard from anywhere in the town, it's volume causing me to jump from shock.
I knew that it was too late to have breakfast but I just thought it would be good for me not to eat as much as i usually would for once. I didn't need the extra calories anyways.
"I'll be right there!" I yelled back while rushing out of my bedroom door, already out of breath. Even the smallest amount of effort had me panting and red in the face, a very unattractive look on me.
More unattractive than usual.
I hated running with a passion. Big girls and running just don't get along, like ever. It was written in the stars, we were sworn enemies from the minute I began walking as a child.
My mom smiled warmly as she stood at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me, car keys and a cup of coffee in her hand as she always did. Professional was the only word that could be used to describe my mother, she was very intimidating.
"You ready for school sweetie?" she beamed while opening our front door, not waiting for a reply as she stepped out into the frosty winter air. A chill ran down my spine causing me to shiver as I only had a thin jacket on, having convinced myself that I wouldn't need my coat.
I groaned quietly to myself but pulled myself over to the car and got in, ignoring how the car creaked a little under my weight. Things like that is what made the insecurity running through my veins spring to life, ruining my day entirely.
"How are you this morning baby?" mom asked as she put her coffee in the cup holder and the keys in the ignition before doing her seatbelt and starting the car.
"I'm fine." I replied shortly while looking out of the window and watching as we slowly pulled away from our house. I wanted to stay in the small space of my room forever, hidden away from judging eyes and harsh words.
My mom looked at me from the corner of her eyes with a worried expression on her face as she did every morning, this was just our routine and I had gotten bored of it. I could tell that she was worried about my mental health but there was nothing she could do about it. Nobody could help me at this point.
"That's...nice." My mom said with a little chuckle, pearly white teeth shining in the winter sun. My mother was absolutely beautiful. If only I had taken after her and not my dad. I truly hated the way I looked and yearned to change it.
"I won't be home until late honey, you don't mind taking the bus right?" She asked as we pulled over outside of my school. I shook my head obediently before kissing my mom on the cheek and getting out of the car, tiredly looking up at the hell i call school.
