Short Story

Hardly a Reason to Change

I have a question for you to answer:

"Did I do the right thing?"

Here is a story to help you decide:

My whole life I have behaved differently from the others around me. As a child, I never spoke unless spoken to and I didn't have any friends; just faces passing through. That was the last time I was ever true to myself. When my peers showed disinterest and even dislike towards me, I became scared though I did not know it at the time. I wanted people to like me. I did not know what price I would have to pay to achieve it though. I learned very early how to lie to people. I did not do it to hurt them, just to make myself more appealing. I lied about my hobbies and my interests. I learned how to keep the conversation off of me and to keep it on the other person. I learned how to hide in plain sight. What I did not account for was for people to take advantage of me. I was such a people-pleaser. I just wanted everyone around me to be happy. That wish cost me my own happiness. 

She was so nice at first, so confident and sure of herself. I wanted to be like her, so I followed her example. She did not turn me into a bad person; the ability to hurt others was already inside of me. No, she brought out my bad side and convinced me that so long as they deserved it, hurt them; punish them and never let them forget their pain. Most times it was words. I tried to keep it that way. On rare occasions, some form of physicality was "required." I did not have an inclination of anything wrong until she tried to get rid of me. What she did not expect was for me to fight back. I never hit her, but I did call her a bitch. I just lied and said that I had not. I never saw her again.

I would say I tried to change during middle school, but then I would be lying to both of us. At this point, I was not only scared of people's opinions, but I was mistrusting of others. I could no long tell who was telling me the truth and who was lying to me. I no longer knew who was being real and who was playing pretend. My answer was to continue the  behaviors I had developed with the added notion of silently questioning everything everyone around me was doing. My mind was so scarred by my past experience; this was the only way I knew how to cope. I was always told that the bad people who hurt you will be the ones who never cared for you, the ones outside of your social circle. They never said that they too could hide right in front of your face. That they could pretend to care, only to stab you in the back later. I am not above hurting people - I like to see the way a well thought out sentence can bring them to tears or stop them in their mental tracks as they try to out wit me - but I would never harm someone, especially the ones I care about. I just wish I did not scare them.

My darkness is as much a part of me as my heart is real. Just like the weariness I saw in people's eyes. They saw a monster. They saw the wrong part of me. I was under a dark thunder cloud now and it followed me. I really did try to change, but it was so hard to. I was still so scared and my monster had become my armor. I was desperately wishing for a fresh start. New town, new people, no horrid reputation, and a clean slate. I would stay up late at night and cry all the tears I refused to shed. I wrote and sang my heart to pieces to spare my mind from destruction, but karma came for me. I had a dept to pay, and it cost me everything. I lost faith in my relationships with the people I called friends and watched them all leave. I was accused of things I never did or even knew about. Two guys broke my heart; one disappeared and the other just left. My mind fell apart. All I knew was pain. I came close to failing my senior year. I was just under so much pressure and could not handle it, but I went through it all alone. I was alone. I am alone.

Now, I am a 20 year old girl who is still living with her parents with no prospects. I had been selected by two different leadership programs to attend their summer programs and turned them down. I have not yet attended college because I cannot afford it. Though my FAFSA paperwork may have said I had the money to attend, I would have been asking my parents to go into debt, while in their fifties, to send me somewhere I was too scared to really go, but was told I was supposed to go. I have had one job since graduating, and it lasted for four months. I haven't had a job since and though have been applying, no one has wanted to hire me. 

People hurt me for being myself. They took advantage of my kindness. They used my darkness and so did I. I hurt people. I am not a good person, but I did do good things.

I like to learn about a person on a deeper level. I like to know their likes and their dislikes so that I can get them gifts, give them dreams, and aid them when I can. In middle school, I would skip lunch so I could buy candy in the afternoon for a boy I wanted to be friends with. After sixth grade, he treated me like I never existed, and that hurt, but I know now that I was trying to buy his friendship. I just wanted to see him smile. I fifth grade I had to watch over a group of kindergartners and first graders. There was these two little boys who loved to play fight with each other and this little girl who was always so happy to see me. I remember that they would run up to me when I entered the room and hug my legs. They were so happy to see me, but then I stopped coming and I never said goodbye to them. My grades were slipping and I was scared of disappointing my parents that I dropped out of the Safety Patrol program at my school without warning. I have no idea what happened after that. I just hope they do not hate me. I wish I could apologize.

Did I do the right thing? Or am I the monster I know I am?