It is just a Game,right?

Chapter 1

I was tired of this game.

The game of caring.

The game of breaking.

The game of bad endings.

The game of life.

I was just tired of it.

I didn't care anymore.
These thoughts in my head kept getting louder and louder.They didn't stop even once.

I was slowly drowning in my own mind and was not able to see the surface.

And Instead of listening to the voices I hurt myself to get some kind of control.
I would tear at myself for a peace of mind...
I wasn't alive but not dead either.
I was just a shell with a beating heart.

You can't call this living,right?

But I wasn't like this from the beginning.
I was a happy child.I always laughed and was full of life.
It was easy for me to make friends at this time.
I was the popular girl,who everybody wanted to be friends with.
Little did i know that this would change drastically...

My life started to fall apart when I went to high school.
I went to this school just because of a friend,so that I wasn't so alone in the beginning.
If I knew what would have happened at this time,believe me,I wouldn't have done this mistake...

At first everything was fine.
I had good grades and was happy and also had made some new friends.
Also the teachers were pretty good.

But after two months,the friend why I went to this goddamn school,suddenly stoped talking to me.
And when I tried to talk to her she just ignored me.
It hurts being ignored...
I didn't know what i did wrong.
But I learnt at this time of my life that some people will hurt you and then act like you hurt them.

Soon after that she started to spread fake news about me and so everybody in this school hated me.
The few friends I had let me also down.I was alone.
Nobody wanted to have anything to do with me.I went from the popular girl to the outsider.

I wouldn't say I got bullied.Of course there were sometimes some dumb comments.
One time for example there was a boy stitting next to the popular girl because there weren't enough chairs by the other boys.Then something changed and half of the class was sent to another classroom.So was the boy.
So the chair next to her was free and I thougt I could sit there.I used every chance to make friends,because I wasn't used to the feeling of being alone.So i stood up,went to the chair,asked for permission and sat down.Then the boy who sat behind me said to the girl next to me:I'm really sorry for you, that you have to sit next to this thing.I think Tom would have been even better...
This simple sentence broke me.I sat there trembling,trying to hold my tears back.
You know,the worst feeling in this world is to hold your tears back and cry quietly,when you actually just want to scream.

In the breaks I started to go to the toilets and hide in them,sometimes I also cried in there...so I also stoped eating my lunch.
Little did I know which consequences followed because of this habit of mine...

At this time my depression went from partially to permanently.

The thoughts started to get stronger.

The insecurities started.

The selfhate started.

The game started.

But I kept going.I made it threw the day,went home and cried there.
That was my daily routine.
My dark thoughts never stoped.
I was lucky when I got one hour of sleep.

Then my parents got divorced.
It was for the best because they were always fighting.
But I had to stay by my mum...
I hated her.She always screamed at me to let her anger out.
She used me as her own personal punching bag.
She was always drunk and made me do all of the work in the house.
I needed to clean,cook and buy food.
My mum made me responsible for my dad leaving her...so she made my life at home like hell.
This was the worst time of my life.
Little did I know it wasn't...

I always thought familiy is supposed to be your safe haven.But very often,it is the place where you find the deepest heartache.
She didn't even see how broken i was,nobody did.
I was always good at hiding.

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I wanted to write something for a long time now,but never had the motiavtion or the time to do it but somehow I managed it....yay :3

Writing always clams me down.

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Thank you for reading :)

Words:802

~Reality is an illusion~

See you soon,Catsy.