It is just a Game,right?

Chapter 2

You're useless.

No,stop...

Don't you see,you're bothering everybody by just talking to them.

Please,just stop already...

Pathetic

That's not true...

You're a waste of space.
Why don't you just kill yourself?
Everybody would be better without you.

...No...

Look how ugly and fat you are.
No wonder nobody wants to have anything to do with you.

...

Do you really wanna eat that?
You know it will make you even more fat.You want to lose weight,right?
So just stop eating,you don't deserve food.

....yes,your right.I'm fat.I need to lose weight...

So it's good.
Just don't worry baby girl,Ana's gonna fix everything...

Additionally to crippling depression I got a panic disorder and anxiety.
I was always so anxious to go out or socialiate with people,so it didn't even  past a week without me having a panic attack.
And I always lived in fear to have another one.
I guess I was just afraid to do something wrong in front of others....

I felt like everybody was judging me and watching me all the time.
I was so scared to talk to people that I would rather take a wrong order than letting it go back.

Also I got lost in anorexie.
Everything was falling apart and i couln't do anything about it,so I think I wanted at least the control about something.In this case I wanted control about my weight.
I started to count my calories.
My limit was at first by 800.
Then 600.
I slowly went to 300.
Then 200.
Then I just allowed me half an apple per day.

I lost 19.4 pounds in one month...
I was a mental wrack.
Everytime I stood up,my vision went blurry and I had the feeling I would pass out.
Low Blood pressure is really fun...

My grades dopped drastically and I failed nearly all of my classes.
My mum kept screaming at me and I spent my whole time in my room.
I stayed so long alone,that it didn't even feel strange anymore.
I also lost the three friends I had left from my childhood.
I didn't have anybody to talk.

Nobody who would ask if I'm ok.

Nobody who would have cared if i was gone.

Life wasn't faire...
The girl who betrayed me was popular,had good grades and looked beautiful.
And I...
I deserved this life...right?

It's actually pretty funny how you can get used to a feeling.
At night,I used to lay in my bed crying.
Now,I just lay there with a blank expression on my face.

I can exactly remember the day I started to cut myself.
It was in October.
The 25th of October.
My birthday...
The day I wished would have never happended.

I had to wear long sleeves in the summer to hide my scars and new cuts.
I didn't want to get called a attention sneaking slut.
I wouldn't be able to handle this.

Then a boy my age asked me out on a date and I was for the first time in a long while actually happy.
I was really excited about going out with him,even thought I was also extremly scared,but the feeling that somebody actually likes me was stronger than my fears at this moment.
Little did I know it was the worst mistake I could have ever made...

If I just had knew...
My life would have maybe took another way.

Since that day everything went down never up.
I was slowly about to lose this game.

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I hope you liked this chapter ^^

Words:611

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~Reality is an illusion~

See you soon,Catsy.