Better ~Jean x Reader AU~

Chapter 30: Break My Bones

I hurried back to my dorm, feeling so dirty and just wrong. What I had just done...it didn't feel natural. I couldn't tell why. I couldn't figure out why I felt the way I did when I had done that exact same thing with him multiple times before.

Him.

Kellen.

My boyfriend.

I wrapped my arms around myself. It felt wrong. I felt wrong. The whole situation was wrong. The sex we had those other times felt nothing like it did that time. Before, I had gotten satisfaction in participating in those erotic moments filled with lust, but at that moment, there were no benefits. I only felt dirty and wrong and like it was all a mistake.

Maybe because it was a mistake. Caving into his pleads as I had...letting my guard down the way I did...letting him get his way...none of it felt right. I knew that I had not wanted to do it. I had no desire whatsoever, and yet I let it happen. I let it happen because I felt like I owed him. I believed I owed him because of all the times I had called him to my room, those same escapades always being the same. So, why did that time feel so different?

I shook my head, trying to clear my mind of all things involving Kellen and what had just happened. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to remember how my body felt against his. I didn't want to remember how he groaned my name. I didn't want to remember how he thrusted into me. I didn't want to remember any of it. I just wanted to run into my dorm and jump in my shower because I felt so dirty.

It honestly made no sense to me. Why was I feeling that way? It wasn't my first time and it definitely wasn't my first time with him. So, why did guilt consume me as I made my way back to my dormitory? Why was I struggling to breathe? Why was I feeling like I was scum? I didn't know those answers and I was honestly too afraid to search for them.

Finally, after walking for what felt like forever, I reached my dormitory. I hurried through the doors and skipped using the elevator. Instead, I rushed up the stairs until I came to my floor and practically ran down the hall to my room. With trembling hands, I unlocked the door and gladly dashed into my room, slamming and locking the door behind me. After that, I practically ripped my clothes off and flung them to the floor before jumping into my shower. I didn't even let the water warm up before I began scrubbing my skin.

No matter the amount of soap I used or the suds swirling by the drain, nothing changed how I felt. The gut-wrenching sensation that caused my stomach to do flips remained like a ghostly presence, haunting me. I was being mocked, but by what? What was making me feel the way I did?

It was frustrating as hell and peculiar to say at best, but I knew there was more. However, what that more was remained a mystery to me. All I did know was that I was regretting it. At that moment, I wished I could go back in time and stood my ground; that I had firmly told him no and left as I had originally planned. But I didn't do that, and I couldn't change the past. What had already occurred simply was in the past. But that did nothing to ease the gaping hole in my chest that pulled and tugged at me.

Without warning, the lump I had been swallowing since I left the ADA House erupted, a wave of tears rolling down my cheeks. It started off slow, but before long, I was fighting back wails as I stood under the warm current of the showerhead, my chest feeling like it'd cave in at any moment. I pressed my lips together, gasping between them with each exhale I made. All I wanted to do was crawl under a rock a disappear, but I couldn't. I couldn't move from that place.

So, I lowered myself down onto the tub floor and drew my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around my shins. I balled myself up, allowing the warm water to continue its embrace as I quietly sobbed. And sobbed I did, not caring how much time passed. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed until there were no tears left to shed. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed until I felt like I'd throw up. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed until I felt like I was nothing but a shell.

Nothing but a broken, hollow shell.

**Ello, ello my amazing lovelies. So, I thought we'd dive more into how Y/N feels after caving into Kellen. Did y'all expect to be this upset? Did you expect this reaction? Feel free to let me know! As always, thank you so much for everything! Continue being kind to each other and being groovy! Wuv yous!! <3**

-Noel Ross

P.S. SF9 just had their comeback on the day of typing this (2/20/18). "Enough" and I am IN LOVE with it. I was attacked by Monsta X a few days ago and SF9 today. I am not mad though lol.