Finding Hope [A Memoir]

Finding Hope - Chapter 4

After that, it all went downhill, literally. 

I became depressed, started self harming, and I would keep to myself more often. I told my closest friends, so they tried to give me encouraging words. But although they were sweet and did make me smile from time to time, words were never enough. They'd never be enough, because no matter what you say to me, I'll always be ugly, unloved, worthless. That's just how it is. 

My mom read my texts and confronted me about self harming myself. All I told her was that I got really mad about something, so that's why I said it. I told her I never did that, even though I one hundred percent did. She bought it, though, so there was no need for further explanation. 

Later though, she took me to therapy. At first, I hated it. How could I tell a stranger my whole life story when he doesn't even know me? It all seemed weird and wrong. But a while after going to sessions, I started to open up more, and I found that maybe he helped -- just a little.

The bad thing is that we stopped going. My mom stopped scheduling appointments for whatever reason, so I never saw my therapist again. Which once again, made things worst. There would be times where I felt the need to talk to someone, someone that wasn't my friend or family. Just someone who would listen. But I never went back. I'd ask her when we're going back again, and she's give me some stupid answer like, "oh, we have an appointment in two weeks," but we really didn't. 

I'm now in my second year of high school -- a sophomore -- and so far, it's going okay. I don't like my teachers at all, except for English, and I don't understand Geometry at all, not that my teacher cares or anything. When I tell him that, he says it's just an excuse. Well, fuck him. I could give two shits if I fail the class or not. 

The only thing there really is to like about high school is that my friends are there. I get to see them every day and help them out when they need it. They make my crappy days turn into better ones, and that's what I absolutely adore. 

So far, nothing else has really happened. I have some work due on Tuesday that I probably should get started with, but am too lazy to do.  World History, English, Geometry (of course)... 

Lately I've been feeling weird. Sad, depressed more often. Quiet. More to myself. Almost like old times. You never know, maybe I won't be here tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. What's there to live for anyway?