Just A Chemical || Joshler //

Chapter 7 ~ Change (TW)

(trigger warning for this chapter - anxiety attack)

//Josh//

The second I get into Brendon's house I run to a room, any room, I don't care which one it is, I just want to be somewhere by myself. I collapse on the tiled floor, not even having enough strength to close the goddamn door.

I hear Brendon enter quietly. He sat down next to me, and put his hand on my shoulder. I pushed it off. "Go away," I murmured. "Leave me alone." "No, Josh, I'm going to comfort you and you are not allowed to say otherwise." "Okay," I replied. We sit there in silence for a moment, until I let another wave of sorrow rock through my body. It feels like a tornado, or a hurricane is swirling, churning, inside my stomach. I feel sick.

I choke out another sob and feel the tears run down my cheeks. Brendon hugs me tightly as I slide down the side of his body, resting my head on the side of his legs. I close my eyes, and just try to process what went wrong again. What did I do? What did I say? Why does Tyler hate me so much?

Does he want me to change for him? I'll change for him. I'll do anything for Tyler. It might be the hair color. Tyler probably hates yellow. Maybe he likes blue? I can be blue. I can be whatever he wants me to be.

I shake again, feeling my sadness once again shoot through my limbs. Why did I dye my hair yellow, I knew making it yellow would be a weird color, or does Tyler hate me because I reminded him about someone or something or just something bad I don't know what I did wrong and now I'm-

I'm dying? Is that what this sensation is? Am I dying? Is my body slowly, ever so slowly just giving up on itself? I feel like I'm choking, there's air in my lungs but no oxygen, I'm just slowly choking until I die. This is it. This is the end. I look at Brendon with a scared yet peaceful expression. 

"Brendon...?" I feel my lungs squeeze.

"DALLON? DALLON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM, GET OVER HERE NOW." I hear Brendon screaming at the top of his lungs.  I'm breathing heavily, I'm trembling, and I feel like I'm dying. "Calm down Josh, you're going to be okay. DALLON! GET OVER HERE FASTER, JOSH IS HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK-" "OKAY, BRENDON, I'M HERE, WHAT DO WE DO?" 

Their screaming is just making my migraine worse. When did I get a migraine? I shut my eyes as the pain sends out poisonous vibrations, shaking my brain.

"I DON'T KNOW GOOGLE IT OR SOMETHING, IDIOT!"

"BRENDON YOU STUPID-"

"SHUT IT LONG-LEGS!"

I listen to Dallon and Brendon shout at each other, back and forth, back and forth. A sickening wave of nausea hits me. Combined with the storm in my stomach, it feels like I'm falling inside my own head. I can't take it anymore. My mind can't take it. 

I go limp, fall backwards, and knock my head on the ground. It collides with the tile, making a solemn thunk. I hear Brendon and Dallon both exclaim in horror, watching me torment myself from the inside out.

As my vision cuts abruptly to black, I know I'm retreating from a harsh reality that awaits me:

Tyler hates me, and I don't know why.

Author's Note: sorry i haven't updated in such a long time, writers block is a strange thing and needs to be deleted from this universe. anyway i'll do my best to update more often.

have a good day or night or afternoon and stay alive