Arsonist's Lullabye

Chapter One: Returning

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Returning

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The sky was darkening and I could almost feel the emotions of the storm forming in front of me. Today was the day, The day I most dreaded. The phone call rang throughout my small apartment like an echo of sadness. I was informed that my grandmother had passed away this cold gloomy morning. In Fact, a Monday morning. I hate Mondays. It really was no surprised as I assumed something was wrong with our past few phone conversations. It was the way she spoke and she kept saying "you know I love you" more than normal. Deep down I "sensed this" thinking to myself as I made arrangements over the phone to meet with my cousin Tabby, Short for Tabitha. We talked about the will and the belongings that once belonged to my sweet little granny. I was in between jobs at the moment and my cousin agreed to help me if I decided to come home and help with the funeral. So It was decided. I made the decision to return home and face my troublesome past. A Past I have been trying to remember but deep down willing to forget.

As I packed my clothes and belongings I kept hearing my grandmother's voice inside my head "Leave and never return darling". Those were the last words my grandmother said to me in person 8 years ago, and of course the sweet words "I love you" over the phone every other day. There's really not much to say about my childhood, My parents died in a fire and for the most part, I can remember just that, What I was told by my grandmother. I was very young when the fire happened around the age of 7. I moved of course after my parents died with my Grandmother, Edith Mary Ann Johnson. She was the bake sale queen and part of the lead bingo hall committee. She was the perfect grandmother. She cared for me as if I was the only thing in her life keeping her going. I was her princess. My Grandfather passed away when I was a baby so there's not much to really say about him but Grandma sure tells a lot of good stories about him.

My grandmother reassured me that the fire was an accident and my parents were in Heaven and watching over me. Something inside me knew I was better off accepting my parent's death as it was but I felt compelled to not believe their death was just an accident. I mean why would God take my parents from me at such a young age? The reasons and logic never made sense to me, But I learned to cope as I got older as their memories faded away day by day. I seemed at peace with the way my life has been going until now. Until my grandmother's death. I find my brain is uncontrollably flooding with answers and questions and memories. Strange memories. Memories that I forgot I had. It's funny how one tragic phone call can open your mind in an instance, Oh did I mention the cause of death was by fire?

Probably not the easiest news for me to take in considering my awry past with fire. At that moment as I exhaled loudly I realized I just confessed to myself without speaking a word, that perhaps I have been right about the fire not being an accident or could this be some twisted coincidence haunting me over and over. Do I really want to return to that place? That dark miserable dreadful place, The place I lost everything. Was I ready as an adult to reopen old wounds? Did I have to return home? Of course, I did. This was my grandmother who loved me and took me in and raised me. Did I feel she was hiding something from me? Yes, But I'm sure she kept things from me to protect me, To save me from a lifelong broken heart. I wish I could have asked more questions about my parents before she passed away.

I moved from my grandmother's house when I was 18. I roomed up with my boyfriend Bradley at the time, Bradley James Charleston a prized football player with dark handsome features. I started community college 5 hours away from home, Away from Granny. That Didn't last very long. Since then I have had several boyfriends none in which I would classify as "marriage material" I decided it was time to leave and go out into the world and be on my own. My cousin Tabby lived down the street from my grandmother so I did not feel so bad leaving her. Tabby is a kindhearted soul with ginger brown hair and tiny light little freckles on her nose. She is a total bookworm and smarty pants unlike me, Reading and staying indoors was never really my thing. Tabby is only a few years younger than me and we still stayed in touch growing up over the years, She is kinda like a little sister to me.

Now I am currently rooming with my best friend Cate. "Catherine Jane Burkham" is never home and always traveling as her work demands most of her time as a Flight Attendant. I will probably get her voicemail if I tried calling to tell her the bad news so I will just wait until she calls and checks in with me. So for now, I am leaving back to Fredericksburg, Texas. The place I once called home sweet home. I jot down "I am going home" on a sticky note and press it firmly onto the freezer door of my slightly humming annoying refrigerator. It's strange how noises can annoy you when you are deep in thought. Something about yellow post-it notes makes me smile. I have had some therapy after my parent's death and the one thing that has stayed with me all this time was writing my thoughts down on paper.

I shrug my shoulders a bit and walk back to my bedroom. I grasp my suitcase handle a bit tighter than I normally would as I look over to see the time on the clock sitting on my nightstand. It has been 25 minutes since the phone call. Was I really going to just pack up and leave this soon? I really had no other choice I argued with my inner self for a moment as I was abruptly interrupted. My cell phone rang and I could recognize the ringtone. It was Tabby. "Have you left yet?" Tabby's voice blared through the speaker as I shifted my head away from the loud noise. "I'm leaving now" I murmured back into the speaker. Tabby was not amused and kept repeating "You can't miss the bus". "I know," I said bluntly. Tabby quickly blurted out "ok bye". I thought to myself what's the hurry? I mean it's not like she is going to die. Small humor at my grandmother's expense, I quickly changed the thought of making jokes at a time like this to where did I leave my house keys.

The smog air filled my lungs and nostrils as I sat down next to a heavy sized man on the smelly public bus. Yes, I made it to the bus in time, I thought as the heavy man looked at me and grinned and asked: "How is your day going?" I smirked a bit and said, "Just great my grandmother passed away today." He grew saddened and stopped asking questions as he could tell I was not in the mood for chit chatting today. The silence inside my head grew louder while the chatty people sitting on the seats next to me seemed to get quieter. The roaring and stopping of the bus made me feel nauseous and I could barely focus on the surroundings outside the window. I decided to take a nap to clear my mind and thoughts. I awaken shortly after to a young child sitting behind me kicking my seat. I let out a sigh and pull my slouched body up from the seat and realize we were almost halfway there. Who knew taking a bus home could be so stressful.

Time strolls by and I can't help to think about the fire and my grandmother. Tabby told me she was in a fire and I keep replaying my sweet Grandmother crying out for help as she melts into the unknown of flames. Should I have been home more often, Did I not care for her as much as I should have. I felt like I had abandoned her to run away from my own demons. I shed a tear as I noticed a road sign passing my window. It was a sign that I have always remembered even as a young child. At that moment I remembered my parents. I felt succumbed by that warm feeling inside that I was truly loved and there was nothing I could ever do to change it. I knew my parents loved me and I can't help but to think if they knew I loved them.

My father would always play with me and swing me around in the air, We would laugh and giggle as mom would call us in to eat dinner. My mother would make lasagna and we would laugh and enjoy our dinner as a family. Those are the memories that I have suppressed for many many years. All at once the memories explode inside me and I can't help but to cry out loud and sob into my t-shirt collar as if no one sees me or hears me crying. I frantically make a promise to myself at that moment, I will do whatever it takes to find out more about my parents and who they really were. I turned my head and pressed my nose slightly to the cold freezing window next to me, Gently whispering "I Miss You" My icy breath fogged up the window and I drew a heart and closed my eyes, I remembered the fire.