The Diary Of Jane

And We Went In Slow Motion As The World Sped By

                                                                          Jane

     Anna pulled me into the bathroom today right before 1st hour, and kicked everyone out. When I asked her what the big deal was, she just tossed me a box out of her purse. I looked at her like she was crazy for a minute, and then I looked down at the box in my hands. It was a p test pregnancy.

     She thought I was pregnant!!!

     "Why do we need to check if I'm pregnant?" I had asked her. She started to name a list off of her fingers. A list!!

     "1. You're throwing up almost once a day. 2. You're really moody. 3. You're getting boobs." Then she asked me if she needed to go on. I knew I wasn't pregnant, so I went into the stall, and peed on the stupid stick.

     We had to wait 15 minutes, which we spent by saying stuff like "I'm not pregnant" or "What am I going to do if I am pregnant, which I'm not." When that stupid stick beeped, I almost didn't hear it my heart was pounding so hard and fast.

     I remember I kept saying "I'm not pregnant" in my head. But when Anna picked up the stick, and then dropped it to the floor while almost running towards me, I knew that I was wrong. There was a chance that I could be pregnant, and that chance however small I had thought it was, and now I was. I was raped, and now pregnant with my dead boyfriends baby.

                                                                   *******

     That was two weeks ago. I didn't know what to do at first, but then I realized there was nothing I could do. Graduation was in 4 and a half months. So I just have to tuff it out until then, and then I'm taking Tyler and I'm out of here.

     Anna's been really supportive of whatever I decide, but I can read in her eye's that she want's me to keep the baby. I thought about ending the pregnancy, but I couldn't do that to someone. Yes, what happened to me was sad, but I can't hurt another human being. That's just wrong.

     On another note, Tyler's birthday is today!! He's turning 4! When I get home, I'm making him a cake with his favorite color icing. Blue. It seems like just yesterday, he was running into my arms after I caught him in hide in seek. I don't really have time to play with him as much anymore. Father is getting much more angry. He will hit me just to hit me and if I fall he thinks it's an offer to kick me.

     Now that I know I'm pregnant, I have to be careful. I can't make him mad. I don't know why he hits me, but I thick when he was younger, the same thing happened to him. He was in the same boat as I am in now, but he knows how to swim for when someone tips it over on him.

                                                                        Blake

     Even after he beat her day after day, she still want's to believe that there's something good there. When I read and found out that she was pregnant, I was in my room, and I punched a hole in the wall. It wasn't fair that someone so nice and special, should have to go through any of this.

     It's kind of like what my mother used to say to me when I was little and I had friends over. "Kind touches or no touches", she used to say to us. I don't think I ever understood what could happen if we all just used kind touches, instead of hate filled ones.

     This next part is going to be one of the hardest thing's I've ever had to write. I don't understand why I said or did what I did. I think I'll let her tell you how much of a total ass I was to her, and for no reason other than to get a reaction from her.