Stuck • the umbrella academy

an average day in the hargreeves household

Most of the dialogue is taken from incorrect-umbrella-academy on Tumblr
Ain't it kinda sad that this mess is the longest chapter I've written in this book so far. Including this note: 1075 words

"Do you ever wanna talk about your feelings", Eliza asked five one day. He shook his head. " I do", Ben piped up from the back of the room. "We know ben", five sighed. 'I'm sad", Ben cried. "We know ben", Eliza continued. " what's your go-to drink", she questioned turning to five. "Black coffee because I'm a man. With twenty sugars", he mumbled the last part.  Eliza shook her head at his antics but got up when she heard things falling in the dining room. She entered to see Diego standing on the table with his arms crossed. " what is he doing", she asked Luther. "He wants to feel tall", he replied. In the kitchen was where the noise was coming from, however. " I'm washing the dishes", Klaus yelled. Allison giggled, "should we tell him that's the oven, not the dishwasher". " Nah let's just see how this plays out", Eliza laughed and Klaus continued putting the dirty dishes into the oven before he could turn it on mom walked in. "Klaus that's not the dishwasher sweetie that's the oven", she smiled pulling the dishes out before they could get destroyed. Klaus smiled walking over to Allison and Eliza. " I discovered something today, ghost broccoli", he smirked. "Do you mean cauliflower", Eliza questioned. " cauliflower. Now you're just being ridiculous making up vegetables. I know what I saw", he scoffed, walking out of the kitchen. From the living room, a large crash was heard, the two ran in to see Diego on the floor at the bottom of the stairs wearing heelies. "He tried to escape his feelies down the stairs", Vanya sighed. Five came down the stairs and sighed at the scene before him, Diego at the bottom of the stairs and Klaus telling Luther about ghost broccoli. " I am above all of you", he started to say. "My intelligence and ability triumphs over you all, I'm more mature and advanced than", he was cut off by mom yelling from the kitchen," five your dinosaur chicken nuggets are ready". "Oh shit", he mumbled leaping over Diego and going to the kitchen. " now I am not only wounded mentally but physically", Diego shouted as he was still on the floor. "You know Luther sometimes I ask myself WWJD", Klaus sighed. " what does that mean", Luther questioned. "I ask what would Jesus do, then I do the exact opposite", Klaus laughed. " you all have exactly one brain cell and five is using half of it", Eliza sighed. "Well dad sent me to tHe mOoN", Luther shouted. Mr. Hargreeves walked into the living room and sighed, "I love all my children." He looked down at smudged sharpie writing on his hand. "Loser wait shit no I meant litter, Deego, alibi, klaud, the fifth one, bean, vagina, and Elsa", he sighed once more as if perfectly content.

  "Diego what do you have", grace questioned. " a knife, he yelled bolting down the hall "no", grace shouted as she chased after him. " time", five started. "Like gender", Klaus continued. "Is a construct", five went on. " here's why we should erase both", they said at the same time before they could continue they were cut off by Allison yelling, "we should do something really scary" "we could go to bed early and be alone with our thoughts", Vanya yelled just as enthusiastically leaving awkward silence. " why do you have both the master key and the spare key for the house, what if you die how will we get in", Eliza asked five. "If I die you all will have been dead for at least a month", he mumbled. " you can spice up any meal by throwing a bag of brown recluse spiders at the ceiling", Diego commented to mom.

  "If Socrates could make a career out of telling people they're stupid then why can't i", Ben yelled. "You know what you're in time out. get on the fridge get up there", mr. Hargreeves yelled. " this house is a fucking nightmare", Ben screeched from atop the fridge. "Mist is just water dust", Klaus muttered. " children", mr hargreeves yelled "Yes sir mr Dr the monocle man sir", Luther saluted. " what old man", Diego spat. "Dad", Allison smiled gingerly. " parental unit", Klaus smiled. "What Reginald", five scoffed. " daddy", Ben yelled from the back of the room. "Father", Vanya mumbled. "Dr. Devil mustache man",Eliza smirked." Don't call me any of those things", mr. Hargreeves decided. "You're not my dad, ugly ass fuckin, noodle head", Eliza cackled. " you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair", mr. Hargreeves sighed.  Klaus came running down the stairs singing, "Here comes Halloween here comes Halloween right down Halloween lane. Nietzsche and Nixon and all his reindeers pulling on the reins-" but Diego cut him off, "It’s August". "And I have been preparing since November", Klaus scoffed. " five is just at the age where he has one thing on his mind", Eliza sighed. "Girls", Allison asked. " homicide", five smirked."I'm thirsty", Vanya groaned. "Have a sip of my drink", five smiled, she took a sip before her face contorted into disgust. " noon is not the time for cranberry vodka", she spat. "Another one bites the dust", Ben whispered, Klaus slid in the room clad in only boxer shorts and sunglasses " and another ones gone and another ones gone", he sang sliding around the room in his socks. "I am all panic and no disco", Vanya sighed. " hey babe pass me the people opener", five mentioned to Eliza. "Did you just call the knife a people opener", she questioned. " am I not supposed to", five gasped. "Can someone take me out already", Eliza sighed. " like on a date or assassination", five questioned. "I don't know bitch surprise me", she murmured.

" remember if you die, what you're wearing is gonna be your ghost clothes for the rest of eternity", Luther said looking at Diego. "I wear the utmost fashion space-boy don't come for me", he scoffed. " father, I bought this flower because it reminded me of you", Eliza smiled. "Well thank you i-", mr. Hargreeves started. " because it's cheap and fake", she yelled.   "Welcome to the umbrella academy we're all children of Jesus", Ben ran in screaming as he fell over. " kumbaya my lord", Klaus yelled.