and i've moved further than i thought i could...
namjoon's pov
cold. it was so cold.
everything on my entire body is numb. the wind started picking up, and the snow blew straight into my face, my vision completely blurred. i felt like death itself, no escape to the warmth of my own home.
home. i craved it so badly.
my fingers fell frost-bitten and at that very moment i thought they would snap off. tears streaked down my pale face, yet i couldn't even lift my arm to wipe them away. i didn't even know where i was. all i could see for endless miles was white.
so, i gave up.
i keeled over, letting the thick blankets of snow envelop me. my eyes shut tightly in hopes of stopping the tiny flakes of white from entering them. instead, they shot right back open as the cold distanced itself from my frozen body. swirls of white, silver, and blue swarmed around me, radiating warmth. my fingers were finally free from their icy exterior, along with the rest of my frame.
the light mist of colors dusted over me, creating a small barrier between myself and the harsh conditions of the cold. a silhouette soon entered my vision. the only thing i could make out was silver-blonde hair resting on-top of what could only be a male. i tried curling in on myself to defend whatever i could, but the numbness stopped me from doing so. i was completely vulnerable and powerless.
soon, warmth engulfed my entire body. fingers slightly grazed my cheeks, creating a sense of comfort. my body relaxed, my head giving into the touch. the figure leaned closer to me, its hand still cupping my jaw.
i felt a tingle go all through me when its hot breath expanded against my ear, "it's okay, joon. i'm here."
~~~~
everything hurt so bad. the sweat that drenched every inch of me didn't help the uncomfortable situation either. i felt as if my entire body was on fire, yet i had never been so cold. honestly, i was quite sure i was dying—which wouldn't be the worst case scenario.
3:42 a.m.
my phone illuminated the dried streaks of wetness splattered against my hands. had i really cried that much? my eyes felt extremely heavy but i couldn't get myself to fall back asleep, not after that horrid dream.
that dream
god, whatever it was i didn't want to see it again. the cold that froze my entire body, the isolation that enveloped me, the figure's fingers that traced my jaw. it meant no harm i could tell, but the fact that my mind could even comprehend such a thing is beyond me. i'm really that lonely, huh?
the loneliness is everywhere, there's no escape and there hasn't been one since i've arrived.
i completely lost myself in the moon dust that painted my room a white, silver tint. it was beautiful, no doubt about it. however, why couldn't that dust paint someone instead of something? why couldn't that someone be sleeping next to me? why couldn't i find the courage to go home and continue with my life?
you're too broken, namjoon. you can't even force a smile let alone get the courage to face your parents again. you let their minds wander endlessly on what could've happened to you. they don't even know if you're alive.
the thoughts swarmed my head like bees; thoughts that never let me be. it was more torture listening to them than it was being in this house alone. they taunted me, yelled at me, confused me day in and day out. even though i knew it was me who made up these thoughts, they still torment me.
my feet padded against the wood softly, the lights beaming in my eyes too bright for my liking. my lazy ass never even bothered to even think about turning them off. i switched the tv on as i made my way to the kitchen, looking through the fridge for what felt like hours. my new show, the umbrella academy, played in the background. i finally found the box of brownies i picked up the other day by the window. a small, small, smile formed. these were the treats i used to share with my friends and cousins when i was younger. my mother never really believed in providing constant sugar, so when we did have them in the house it was like a memory to be cherished, especially when you have people you really care about to cherish them with you.
i felt my heart warm with nostalgia. the corners of my lips curving a little more upwards. i could remember taehyung and i being brought homemade brownies while we played our favorite video games. his boxy smile was the biggest i had ever seen then. my smile never faded as i continued to shove the sweet chocolates in my mouth. each bite felt like another trip into my childhood. but the smile soon faded as i remembered taehyung even more. i missed him—so much. besides seonghwa, he was really the only one there for me. sure, i had people like yoongi, hoseok, seokjin etc, but this was taehyung; the kid i shared every waking moment with.
my chest ached with pain. i felt my eyes tear up as the mint-haired male showed up in my mind even more. i would give absolutely anything in the world right now to feel my body tangled in his. to have my arms wrapped around his frame and never let go. to see him right now is the only thing i want—the only thing i need. but, i know he doesn't want to see me. not after i left him in the dust like that. nobody wants to see me.
a tear finally slipped from my glossy eyes, landing on my knuckle as i finally closed the plastic container. i was about to return to my show when something—shimmery appeared outside.
i thought i was dreaming once again, really i was sure of it, but the feeling of my heart beat rapidly against my chest told me otherwise. i hesitantly reached the door, my fingertips grazing the doorknob ever so slightly. it was just-standing there. i couldn't even see what it was. all that was there was a silver and light-blue mist surrounding a frame.
i finally got the courage to sling my door open, the thought that i could be missing important scenes in my show not even occurring in my mind once. "hello?" was all i could muster. the figure then turned its head to face me and my jaw went slack. the amount of beauty this creature possessed was overwhelming. his eyes were as bright as the sun, skin glistening in the moonlight, his hair almost matching the snow.
"joon..."
silent. that's all there was once he spoke. I knew i should stay away, but my body felt it needed to be closer to him. he wasn't far, but not close enough. this was the only human contact i've had in years and i couldn't let it go.
as i was about to make my way towards him, he vanished, the silver, blue cloud of mist lingering for a second before disappearing with him. my heart sank, my eyes-once filled with wonderment and curiosity- now nothing but sadness once again.
the cold started to become unbearable, and once i realized the strange being wasn't coming back, i returned to my sofa, the cushions enveloping me in a wave of sorrow.
this shit is starting to get really old...
~~~~~
A/N: wow. me? updating? that's new. my bby joon deserves so much more i hate hurting him like this🥺.
also, wATCH THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY ITS SO GOOD HOLY HELL
