Chaos and Confusion

How To Be a Failure 101

I sit in a small ball on my bed, trying to take up the least amount of space as possible. Warm salty tears run down my face silently and the war in my head rages on. My mind screams out but the words won't come out.

I'm doing my best to be okay but I can't be okay. I want to be though. I push away all of these problems so I can stay focused on being alright. The issue with that, is its all piling up on me. I keep pushing them away until it becomes too much.

I can't focus at school. I have to my grades up, do my work, stay ahead, stay out of trouble, keep only positive friends and act like it isn't tearing me apart. At home, I have to do my chores, clean up, doing my homework and my chores. 

I have to balance school stuff, home stuff and my other stuff. When I get home I mess up because I have trouble being honest and being okay at the same time. My mind is full and then I get in trouble and get yelled at or talking to.

I can't make myself eat because I don't have the time. I forgot my meds, so I don't sleep. I have to force myself to remember the lies I'm telling and to use good coping skills. I get so mad at most of everything because I can't do things right and because no else has noticed that everything I say is basically lies to make them feel better.

And in the midst of this all, I have to plan my birthday, how I can get money and deal with court prep. Court Prep is going to suck because I have to practice testifying and that's scary. I have a fake girlfriend and now I think I like her and that maybe this might not be as fake as I thought. 

I no longer care if people call me a girl or by my female name. Its all just an issue to deal with later. It don't doesn't matter that it hurts, I can't focus on it. Not right now. For now, I will get up take a shower and put on a smile.