Asunder

Chapter 24 - For Imagination

Consciousness arrives to me just as a ray of sunshine falls onto my eyelids.

I let them flutter open and squint at the light, my hand raising to block it off. After a few seconds of half-asleep brainlessness, I notice the blinds, set ajar to let the sun spill in.

I groan, turning to face away from the brutal light and shutting my eyes once more. The sheets are soft and warm around my feet, and the air feels cool for once. I want to bask in the comfort for a little longer before the day has to begin. But thoughts begin to drift across my mind. The first one to pass is the memory of last night.

It comes back to me like movie scenes, jumbled and separated by my sleepiness. But I understand the general gist of what happened. And though no one is in my room, it makes me cover my face with the sheets in embarrassment.

Why in the hell would I go out onto my balcony at midnight, after having nightmare, to speak to Sky Kal, a boy that I don't know? A stranger. I must've looked so stupid up there, crying over some dream.

I bring my hands up to my face and sigh into them. What is going on with me? What took a hold of me? It must've been my exhaustion, or the effect that those nightmares had on me. They must've clouded my judgement, they must've made me forget what normal human interaction is.

God. I've already had a breakdown in his backyard. And after that, I had the full intention of leaving his life forever. I definitely would have, had he not literally carried me back inside. But this... last night...

I groan loudly, and sit up in a dizzying movement. My head is pounding, but I feel rested. The feeling is so unfamiliar that it gives me pause.

Last night was unacceptable. I can't believe I went out crying and let him see it. I can't believe it. I can't believe that I'm now that girl.

I sigh, and rub my eyes with my knuckles, trying to shake away my mortification. It's not that I trust him. I don't. I guess maybe that dream put me in a weird position, and made me reveal more of myself than I wanted to. Maybe I got too carried away with operation 'Fuck It'; though it'd be nice to get everything off my chest before I end it, I hate the idea of being a walking teenage cliché with 'issues'. But frankly, that's all that I am now. That's become my identity, and my entire life. Really there's nothing else I can do.

But on a balcony, no less.

I breathe in, and shut my eyes. A morning bird sings from somewhere beyond my window. No, I never intended to let Sky know anything about me. I just wanted...

Another sigh escapes my lips, and my eyes flutter back open again.

I just wanted to not feel so alone near the end.

But you're alone, the voice says. You've always been, and always will be. If you want it to end, you have to get out of here.

That's the only way. There's no reason I should stay. At the end of the day, I ruin everything, I stain everything. There is no place for me.

There is no place for you. You always end up alone. That's how you are, and that's how you should be.

Right. That's right.

This was a terrible idea. Terrible. I shouldn't have gotten to know Sky or his parents. I never should have begun giving them gifts or helping them in the garden or let them make me lunch almost everyday for the past two weeks. When I leave now, they'll be collateral damage. That's all I ever do. Damage everything. I threw myself at them like a grenade.