Sensations

Getting Restless

It was night again and I was afraid to sleep.

What if these dreams continue? I mean the last time I was like reallly close to seeing his face. Obviously I'm dying to see his face because he feels familiar, his voice seems nostalgic but on the other hand I'm also afraid of what's to come after it.

I had this unsettling feeling in my gut like it's not the path that I should take. Not the road I should continue to tread. Do I want to? Of course ! I'll die of curiosity. But should I continue? My conscience along with my whole being shouts no, no matter how soothing or pleasing everything about this is to me. This didnt relax my being, if anything if only made me anxious. More and more. About what's to come. About what I might find out, that I'm not supposed to. About what I might do after it is over! Where will I find this source to channel out my worries.

Breathe.

Even people around me have noticed something off about me lately.

Like obviously miss Moto pointed it out to the point she suggested me to visit a psychologist.

Even my mum the other day asked about my not-so-energetic mood these days, she must have been observing me for a long time because she usually doesn't ask such stuff.

The best part about her is that she's always given me that space. Like it's a phase and she knows stuff happens and shit we go through in high school so she doesn't pester me about it. It could also be because she trusts Lisa a LOT. Like she trusts her more than me. It hurts (dramatic sigh) but it's comfortable to have a family like connection with Lisa.

And after dad left us four years ago, for which she blames herself partly which I assume is pretty stupid but I can't change her mind, she's been trying really hard to raise me more like a friend rather than a strict representation of a mother. She was loving and wonderful before but she thinks that dad left us because he was annoyed with her or because he was done with her nagging all the time.

Apart from all that, the other day after dinner she had said to me--

'So tell me pril, are you into drugs now?', all the while eyeing me cautiously.

I, on the other hand, was completely blown away. Wind knocked out, eyes blown wide, jaw dropped to the floor.

'Are you insane! I think you're the one who's on drugs'.

I huffed and sat down flabbergasted at what my mum had just assumed.

She laughed airily and said,

'oh I'm sorry I just had to, you know, it's not at all benign for you and I had to make sure it's not that phase you're going through. Where teenagers are just so fascinated by the idea of drugs. Sorry eh!'.

'oh mom!' I whined. 'You don't have to apologize. It's okay, you're just making sure your daughter doesn't end up in a ditch someday', and I started laughing at that.

'Stop it! Don't just d-dont say stuff like that. You're all I have you know. I'm all alone without you!'

Suddenly the air in the room became heavy and I sighed, 'Dont get upset Mom, I'm never leaving you. And its just some school assignment. They've gotten me a lil tired, that's all. You know they never end.'

And we both had a hearty laugh, and I quietly missed out the part where I'm having wired ass dreams that seem like I've lived a different life in a different town, and I'm not the one my mom assumes and I sneak off to someplace in my dreams and-

Forget it. I didn't wanna burden her with my nonsense shit anyways.

Back here, I was still contemplating on whether to sleep or not. Hesitatingly I settled in bed. Eyes wide I stared intently into the ceiling thinking something about nothing and most definitely not wanting to fall asleep.

I can do this. It's just a face. But what if I know him already? What would I do then? And what if...what if I don't know him at all? I won't know how to be with my brain anymore! I mean inventing a whole goddamn person? That's scary! Real scary!

Sighing, I lay in bed, still contemplating, trying my hardest not to dream. If I try not to dream, then I won't! Hah simple af!

Anxiously I bit my fingernails, thinking what that man would look like! Would he be good looking? Would he be a monolid? Would he be a TRANS?  Suddenly my brain shouts. It would be unexpected then.
(a/n nothing I've written is against people who are trans. I respect each and every person. We all should. Well moving on:)))

Getting restless by the minute, I shifted around for quite a bit trying to find a comfortable position. Finally not finding any I settled on my side, staring dazedly at my wardrobe door situated right in front of me. Eyes suddenly getting droopy, I hummed out dazedly. Breathing slowed, eyes almost closed, mind calm, and almost unable to makeout my surroundings I drift to sleep. Fking finally.

~~~°•°•°•°•°•°•~~~

The wind sways my hair,
The lush green of the trees ahead,
Always carrying me away from my despair,
Suddenly making me stop in my stead.
Where am I,
I wonder,
Some fairytale or Alice's Cave down under?
The purple hues of the sky and the sea-green of the drawstring reminds me,
My body yearns for it but my mind doesn't,
It profers, I'm here but where's the funder?

IM DREAMING AGAIN, OHMYGOD!

__________________________________________

A/N

It's a veryyyyyyyyyyyy late post but
seriously I couldn't find the motivation to do it. If anyone's reading it so far then thankyou😘

Take care 안녕 (◕ᴗ◕✿) !!!!!!!!