Sensations

April

I need this. This calms me. Not just this place but everything about it. Makes me feel nostalgic. Fells like there's something that pulls me back. Something that I think isn't good for me. It isn't made for me but I still want it. The calm. The peace.

I need it.

That's why I'm here every time I feel lost. Every time I'm distressed. Every time I'm alone. Every time I need something to calm myself.

Every time I sleep.

Yes. Now I know it's my dream every time I'm here. Like right now. Because it cannot be real that's for sure. I have no knowledge of such a place. And it's not just about the beautiful exterior but the air this place holds. 

But how can something or someplace be this calming? Its scary in a way. I know it's my dream, my imagination, and dreams aren't suppose to make sense. But I can't help but think. Let my mind wander. What if it isn't good for me? What if it isn't meant for me? What if this messed me up? Because I have been a little messed up lately.

But all that becomes less important the moment my hair gets blown by the breeze. The bench I'm currently sitting on is empty but feels familiar. The sky is coloured purple and the sun hasn't set yet. I was basking in the expanse of the place and the gentle breeze but I had a deep and small feeling like I was forgetting something. Like something I was supposed to do. Like something as part of a routine. All the while I had my eyes closed to focus on the peace this place gave me, when someone suddenly called me from behind.

'I know it's beautiful and even more with you here, but you should leave April. You're gonna come back here anyway!'.

That same voice, that same husky-deep voice. The voice that smiles. And i know the owner of that voice is smiling without having to look. My mind becomes hazy just by hearing that voice. I had to see the person's face right now because I was gonna have none of it. It's been couple of weeks having these dreams, and it's really frustrating that I don't know what's it all about. And that voice constantly making me nostalgic and so frustratingly calm. And this place that seems almost real.

I turn around as quickly as possible only to be met with a figure standing far away from me. Lean and clad in a white track suite, I could see a man standing with his back facing me. Then again my attention was directed towards his shoes. Those shoes that now I perfectly remember are the ones that child had. That small child I met in an empty street.

All that fluctuations and my brain was a mess again. But I came back to my current surroundings once he started speaking again.

'You like white roses right?'

And that was it. Here I am trying (read: failing) to get ahold of my brain, going crazy thinking about shoes, a small kid and gentle breeze, and he wants to talk about ROSES?

I had to see his face. His voice was boggling me. I started running in his direction taking long strides. I was running so fast still getting nowhere. Nowhere near him. I tried as hard as I could but my energy started to dissipate. Still I kept on. My eyes were getting heavier but my ears perked up when he started calling me again.

'April listen to me. April!', he said calmly but I shook my head trying not to loose focus. I had to see.

'Miss Saito? Miss Saito!'. Someone else called me this time. It was a woman's voice that was much too familiar. I shrugged it off again.

I ran and ran and finally I was just behind him. I had to see.

I was standing directly behind him, panting heavily. 'Don't worry if you don't understand. Trust me you will', he spoke again and oh so calmly.