Do you ever get that aching feeling in your chest like you know something is wrong and you know you feel like utter crap, but you have no clue why?
I get that a lot these days.
I've been having the best week and yesterday I woke up with this aching and I just couldn't shake it. But I went out and had such a nice day and I forgot all about the aching.
But then I got home and went to write in my diary and turned onto a VERY bad page.
A few weeks ago I was in a very bad place and I made a decision that I regret. I'd always told myself that I wouldn't do it because the thought of being in pain makes me feel sick, but when I was doing this... thing... it hurt less than I thought and I just couldn't stop.
It was like it wasn't me doing it. I didn't feel like me and it scared me and I just remember crying and writing in my diary.
I really needed someone to talk to, someone - anyone - to message me or the group chat. No one did.
For some sick, self destructive reason, when I'm sad I listen to very depressing music and just let myself cry. Well, i was on YouTube and stumbled across a song called 'Beautiful-P.O.D lyrics c:' and I just palyed it over and over while I was hurting myself...
Fifteen minutes after I had stopped I remember she messaged me and the releaf I had made me cry.
We facetimed and I was acting really weird a hyper. I didn't want her to know. I didn't want to worry her. I love her with all my heart.
After a while she asked me if I was ok and I was talking before I could think. She was calm and told me to get rid of it. I did it straight away. I love her so much.
She was open with me that night. That meant the world to me.
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It's been nearly three weeks since I did that.
I had urges to do it again for around 6 days, but since then I have been totally fine. I've been happier.
Ya know, I'm the sort of person to complain all the time, about anything. I always feel the need to say how I feel.
However, when it comes to my bad days, there is so much I don't say. She is one of the only people I tell anything to and I just feel like a burden. Even though I know she says shs doesn't mind.
For fuck sake! I don't know how I feel.
I don't know.
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-Ffion x
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Ffi Ffi Fucked Up
RandomThis is basically going to be a place where I share my thoughts that I find hard to say/explain out loud. I'm open to you guys sharing your thoughts in the comments or messaging me. Please, no hate to me or anyone else. TRIGGER WARNING: Depression...