Ffi Ffi Fucked Up

The ugly duck

So I told my dad my auntie said she would keep my dress over my cousin S's house and he got PISSED. He threw a remote at the wall and broke it and then told me to "fuck off" out of his sight and so I did.

I sat on the top step on the landing for an hour. At one point he said (the floor is thin enough for him to know I can hear him) "16 years she hasn't bothered you... now she needs a baby sitter".

That was him implying that she's now using me to babysit with the reward of her doing things towards prom for me.

Not gonna lie, I've always felt a bit left out and pushed away. Especially just before and since my uncle died...

My uncle's family were never close to the twins and would argue with each other. I remember I used to see them all the time when I was really small, but at some point that all stopped.

L, G, M and R were the only people from his family we spoke to. I was really close with L. I've always seen a bit of myself in her. Her attitude and anger. I see me.

I used to go over my auntie and uncle's house literally every day (if not, then every other day). That was until a year before my uncle died.

He suddenly became ok with his brother, sister and mother after not speaking to them for 4 or 5 years... idk how that even happened.

As soon as that happened me and my dad slowly began to be pushed away.

I remember maybe 3 weeks before he died, his twin daughter and son (my cousins) had a joint birthday party with his brother's daughter and his sister's daughter.

My oldest cousin S and her boyfriend LL came and sat with me talking for a while. My dad went out to Vape for around an hour because he doesn't like my uncle's family (neither do I really. I don't know them any more).

In that hour, I spent 40 minutes sat on my own while everyone else was on a table around 10 feet away from me.

I remember making eye contact with my uncle and he didn't smile or tell me to come and sit with him...

The last 2 memories of him I have before he died is that and him trying to work an Amazon Fire Stick. He died around a week before Christmas.

For a year after his death my dad offered to do things to help my auntie but she would decline and ask my uncle's brother to do it instead. That sounds stupid, but after the funeral we went over her house once in 8 months and my dad was outside making himself buddy while I sat on the sofa on my phone because my auntie was talking and laughing with her friends and barely even said 2 words to me.

So I do get what my dad means. I've never been the "good child" or the "liked child".

I'm just Ffion.

My dad's daughter.

Nothing special.