(of a person) lacking the necessities of life
I wish I was perfect not in a outside version of myself but more of a inside version of myself. I wished I could trust easily and open up more, I wish I didn't box things up and never talk about them. I wish I was willing to risk it all just to feel something. I can say that he would waste my time. They say to care less and that I would be able to fall in love. But why do I have to not care at all to find love? it doesn't add up.
When I like someone it is just for a short period or just for fun, I'm not that person I love to invest myself into someone I think would be perfect for me. I don't think we would be married in the future. Yeah maybe we might breakup and it might hurt but at least I loved someone and at least someone loved me
But I never experienced that because the more I invest the more I push away, I guess caring too much pushes people away, but when I don't care at all it pushes people away. So I have to care just enough but how do I do that?
It hurts when someone says care less, cause I can't be careless it can't happen, Cause I have so much love in my heart after all the years of hurt and I still want to share it. I should be shut down, I should be closed off, I should Not Care. But I do care.
I care enormously, and maybe I'm like that cause I never had someone genuinely care for me and not because they were obligated to because I'm related to them. But genuine care, I never felt it or maybe I did and I didn't believe it.
I guess, not being loved taught me to love ten times more, 100 times more and that's why I'm so invested so needy, cause I want to feel what it's like to be needed. Cause anyone can be replaced which I've noticed. Cause I can be replaced no matter what. It's not hard to find someone like me, but it's hard to find someone who cares like me.
So maybe if I didn't worry about him adding me back, or looking at me, or maybe thinking about me like how I do. Cause I fall in to easily come on it's only been 2 weeks and all I think about is how he's doing?, how he feels?, if he's thinking about me? Am I gonna see him give me a glance in the hallway? Am I gonna bump into him? Am I gonna dream about him? Will he dream about me?
I have to accept that the answers to all the questions my heart is yearning for is No. It's a no because he doesn't know me. We hardly spoke any words. We barely had a full blown conversation just moments. Moments, things everyone has. You meet this great person and you don't know if they are meant to be with you or to just be your friend. Then everyday you get addicted to their attention to those conversations like a drug. And when they are not there it tears you apart. And your heart wants more and more, But your head says it's just moments everyone has those.
What should you chose? The the thing that keeps you level-headed or The the thing that allows you to feel and respond. Logical vs Imagination. Now I have to realize it's just moments.
It's Moments
Just little moments it doesn't mean a thing
He probably likes a cute little light skin with curly hair, he probably likes her and not me because like I said he doesn't know me and I don't know him. But he might know her and they might be close. All I'm doing is being needy and stupid.
Cause I care too much, I need to care less. But I can't. I don't know how can someone please teach me to let go. To not care about him or anyone.
I.don't.know.him, I act like I do but I don't know him. Only his name, face, and those moments that everyone has cause I'm not special what we had wasn't special, what we were wasn't special, what we weren't wasn't special.
So new rule: care less
Cause I'm too needy, all I want to know is what it feels like to be needed.
