Something I questioned ever since I began this journey, I won't get mad if you choose to believe or not but I don't know. Sometimes I believe. sometimes I doubt and don't believe
I want to believe so badly, but I'm afraid, afraid to be let done, afraid to be abandoned. I know it's not his fault for the things that occurred, but when you're in pain you tend to blame something and for other people it's something you've seen or are friends with. But I choose to blame God, I didn't want to trust me I didn't but who was left to blame.
But deep down I knew who to blame it was Me. I cause the things that happen and yet I choose to blame something that I don't even know exists let alone listens. I can't comprehend why people believe I've read stories and heard then from people. All many ways to believe but was there ever any facts or evidence to show that this is real. How can people believe in something so blindly not knowing what is actually happen. I don't mean to offend more to understood. They are rhetorical questions.
I mean on the other hand what else do you have to believe in? Might as well believe right?
How do I learn to believe without thinking about ever decision I've made. How do I believe without a t chart deciding whether I spend a eternity in hell or heaven. How can I believe when you get judged so easily? for mistakes or for being just you.
I want to believe, I really do but how do I believe when you don't even believe in yourself. Am I really part of god's family? cause at the moment I feel like that creepy 3rd cousin that nobody likes. Not like god's daughter more like god's mistake yes and I know that god doesn't make mistake and that he choose this for me.
and that god doesn't make my decisions, I do but I can't help but feel like my own thoughts aren't my own. Like I have no control over my body. Like I'm playing a shitty game till the end. and I'm annoyed I'm tired of this game that we are playing.
I need to know what waits for me, I need to know now. I can't keep in suspense I can't believe without knowing... what's gonna happen to me?
Is it something I can change
Is it out of my control
I don't know and I want to.
But I need to know, I don't want to. I NEED to know cause I need to know if it's worth it in the end. is there a congrats you finish the game, or is it a straight game over.
All I want is to Know
All I need is to know, know my faith, know who I am, know what I want, know where I am.
