Three Little Birds

I See You

I didn't let go of his hand the whole way home, my grip always a bit tighter than necessary. He didn't complain nor question, simply matched my grip. I look over at him, his face all sharp edges and soft shadows. He's so beautiful.

Liz is mysteriously absent when we get home, but her box was sitting suspiciously on his bed when we entered his room. He stood looking helpless in the middle of the room and I approached him slowly. With the lightest of touches, I ran my fingertips down his cheeks and took in the slightest reaction. His reactions were not sexual, nor did I expect them to be. He closed his eyes, his head angling to meet my caress. The intake of breath was hitched and he grasped my arm with both his hands. He didn't hurt me and the thought of him doing so never entered my mind. His hold was desperate, clinging even. I stretched my fingers out, cupping his cheek. "Mykel." He didn't look at me but released his held breath before taking another. I felt his entire body stiffen as he fought against himself. "Mykel." I brought my left hand up to mirror the right, framing his face between my hands. He pried his eyes open, his honey-wheat eyes dark with storm clouds. "I'm sorry." Gently I press my lips to his. "I'm sorry, baby."

"For what?" His eyes shown with humidity, but the rain had yet to present itself. I knew by looking at him that he knew why I was apologizing, but I also saw the desperate yearning for confirmation. 

"For being stupid. For making you feel this way." I swipe my thumb along his cheekbone where a single tear dropped. He turned away from me, disconnecting his hold of my arms. "I'm sorry that I'm hurting you because I couldn't let go. I can't let fear control my whole life. I can't let it destroy what we have. And I've been letting it hold me back. Honestly, it wasn't something I was doing on purpose. I should have been better for you." He didn't say anything and didn't turn around. I could see him in the mirror. His face tightens, his arms come around himself a bit more in a heartbreakingly familiar gesture. I walk around to face him once more. "I'm sorry for everything I've done to put this look on your face." I cup his cheek again, my thumb traveling upward to run delicately across his marred brow. I could see he was fighting to hold himself together. He wouldn't be able to withstand the pressure much longer and we both knew it. "I should have been there more for you than I was. I was so wrapped up in my own fear that I neglected you when you needed me most. And then I continued to do so without even meaning to. I locked myself away again. And it's a reaction that I've been trying really hard to ignore. And I guess I couldn't this time. And I'm sorry. I'm so terribly sorry." His hands came up to take hold of my wrists again when I placed them on his chest. His heart was beating wildly.

He looked at me for a long time, allowing me to see all the fear and uncertainty he'd been feeling lately. "Do you still love me?" The question was choked out and I could feel all the effort and pain candy coated in those five words.

"More than anything in my life," I whispered, my gaze not breaking his. He took deep, sobbing breaths of relief and when his breathing evened more, I kissed him. The kiss was delicate, a light touch of the lips, but within it held so many unspoken promises. I clung to him as he did to me. I felt his shoulders shaking under my arms. "I love you so much, Mykel. So much more than I can ever tell you. So much more than you'll ever know." I kissed his neck. "I swear I'm going to do better for you. I really am sorry." 

He nodded against my shoulder. "I am too. I should have been more persistent. I knew something was off but I couldn't bring myself to face any of it. So...I'm sorry, too. I'm not completely innocent nor you completely guilty, okay?"

I nodded. "Okay." He sniffled and I caught a tear with my knuckle. "I do love you. No matter what happens between us, that will never change. And it will never not be enough." He looked at me, hope now intermixed with fear and I knew I hit the center of his anxieties. "We can work through anything. We may have to work things out in our heads first, but together we can make it through anything." He nodded and took his hand, I led him to the bed. We sat facing each other, our legs crossed, knees touching. Mykel absently opened Liz's box and pulled out a pre-rolled blunt. I saw there were several in there. I didn't say as much, but I wondered if he had planned on talking to me about this tonight and I just happened to beat him to it. I derailed his whole plan and as he searched for the lighter and lit the blunt; I allowed him the time to regather his thoughts.