Why safer spaces are important.
When I was born I was caught by a midwife who took one look at my little red body and told everyone what they already knew, that I was a girl.
When I was growing up I knew what gay meant, my parents never hid that from me. I knew what a lesbian was and I probably knew what bisexual meant too. I don't ever remember being told or being taught, I just always knew. I am one of the few lucky enough to say this.
When I was in JK I didn't have many friends. I felt like I didn't fit in with the other girls because I didn't want to play with dolls or play pretend, and they were always too judgemental. I also didn't want to play with the boys, because they were so loud and messy and never listened. So, I spent my breaks trying to fit in with the girls, or sitting alone under a slide rubbing two wood chips together to try and make one really smooth.
When I was in SK I joined beavers because that was what my brothers did. I was one of two little girls there, although the other one, people told me wanted to be a boy. I didn't think there was anything wrong with this, but I sure was annoyed that the boys wouldn't listen.
When I was in grade 1 I listened to people telling me what girls do and like and think. I was told that they all like pink, and their favourite animal is a horse, that they are weak and no good at sports, and that they love to gossip. I decided at that point that I would do everything in my power to defy what they were telling me I would be, that I wouldn't “be like other girls”. I decided that I didn't like pink, even though I had been telling everyone that my favourite colours were yellow, pink, and purple, because those were the girl colours. I decided that I hated horses and I would never be weak, no matter what it took for people to believe it.
When I was in grade 2, I decided I had had enough of the boys who wouldn't listen, so I asked my mom to put me in brownies. I felt ostracised surrounded by all these girls who had already been friends for years, even though we were 7. I had no interest in talking about crushes, because why would I tell you who I like if you're just going to make fun of me for it. That year, we spent our time during meetings doing dancing games, and learning to sew, although I already knew how because my mother taught me, and we even had a guest come to teach us how to escape and fight back in case someone tried to kidnap us. That year we went camping once. Once. Very different from in beavers when we went camping 4 times in a year, minimum. We ate boiled eggs from plastic bags, and did crafts while I remained hungry because they didn't think to check if I could eat the food they brought.
When I was in grade 3 my best friend proposed to me. She told me we were going to get married at midnight, and then we were going to run away together. I told her that made us gay women those were called… virgins? No there's another word. Oh yeah, lesbians. That made us lesbians. I wasn't exactly on board with the plan because I liked my family and didn't particularly want to get married at 8. I also didn't see anything wrong with the relationship at all it was just… I didn't like her that way, in fact at the time I had a crush on a boy named Nicholas who I made scared of me because that was the only way I knew how to get boys to respect me.
When I was in grade 4 I made a friend who people asked me if I had a crush on. I told them no, because he and I were just friends. I didn't bother to mention that I happened to have a crush on another boy in the class. After I told them I didn't have a crush on my friend they said good, because he might be gay. He was rather flamboyant, although he didn't seem very different from other boys. He was easier to get along with, and I think he was one of the four honest friends I had all throughout elementary school. Of course I thought I was friends with the other girls, but they didn't exactly see it that way.
When I was in grade 5 I started threatening the boys I had crushes on. I didn't really want to hurt them, but I felt I had to prove myself, that I wasn't just a weak girl like the other girls I knew. I had to somehow show that I was worth noticing and talking to because up until then the boys didn't really interact with the girls, except for the boy in grade 6 that terrorised me the whole year, but I still fought back. That was the year my crush asked if I wanted to be on his ministix team, because they needed a goalie, and I was already a goalie in Ringette so it just made sense. That was the year a boy told me I was so big I “could cover the whole net laying down.” After that I went back to hanging out with the girls.
