INTO MY WORLD (ENG.VER) - [FF EXO]

Chapter 18

Baekhyun

Lying in the hospital bed, I'm watching TV. It's been two days since all that goes around are the same pictures of Minister for Defence Lim Chin Hae's face, an that of his son-in-law Lee Kwang Ho, the day of their arrest. The media grabbed hold of the case as soon as it appeared, and now it's all everyone's talking about.

I turn the screen off, and let my eyes wander over those words I know by heart, scribbled on a sheet of paper, that I scrunch up and fold nervously inside my hands.

My love,

I will not be here anymore when you shall wake. It will probably frustrate you, you'll be mad at me for some time. Thinking back on it, you must be mad at me for quite a bunch of things now. I want to apologise for that, first. The boys tried to make me stay, they asked me to stay until you woke up - but I refused. I think I'm afraid. Afraid of what? I don't know, but does it really matter at this point? I must apologise for so much more...

If I had to make a list we'd never get to the end of it, so I'll apologise for what is most important. First of all, I'm sorry for not keeping my promises. I promised you a lot of things, didn't I? And yet, I will not be able to honour a single one of them. I am deeply sorry about that. I'm also sorry because, by my fault, every day, you will wake up to see the scar of my mistake. I don't think any word is strong enough to express how much I hate myself for that.

More generally, I'm sorry for having brought you into all this mess, to have made you suffer so many obstacles, so many dangers. How hard it must have been for you. If, from the start, I'd done my job right, I would have seen who you were and protected you accordingly, from the start. If I had done so, you wouldn't be lying down in this hospital bed, between life and death.

With "if's" we'd write history again – I know that, and yet...

There is one last thing I need to apologise for: I am sorry for having fallen in love with you and, despite everything, selfishly, I live with no regret of the moments we spent together. I don't regret our bickering, our rows, all these times you made me go nuts. I regret not one of your caresses, not one of your kisses. I don't regret the night we spent together, and I don't regret having known with you a love so deep, so great, so perfect. It's so selfish, because all these moments brought you to this bed, but I can't make myself regret them. No matter how hard I try, I regret nothing, and would live all these times spent with you again in a heartbeat. I am hateable, am I not?

You made me live everything I could have ever dreamed of, and more. You gave me love, and the right to love you.

I thought I'd lost you twice that day, and the pain I felt in those two instances made me realise how much I love you: in so little time, you've successfully won and I have miserably lost. Well played, Soldier Baekhyun, it was a good fight and victory is complete. I, nevertheless, do not give myself up bitterly, for I have won more by this defeat than I have lost. On the contrary, I have won more than I could have ever fathomed.

You would have been my most beautiful fight, my love.

Do not hate me too much for leaving like this. Hate me all you want for the rest, but not for this – I beg you. I hope you will forget me quickly and continue on your own path, away from death and danger. You deserve it, my darling. You deserve all the best this world has to offer.

I wish you... everything one can wish to the one they love, and so much more.

Farewell,

Sun Hyang.

PS: I love you, but do I really need to say it again?

All I've been waiting for since I discovered this letter two days ago, when I woke up, has been to get well enough to leave this damned bed, and find her again. Being stuck here frustrates me to no end, I feel like time goes by in slow-motion. Each passing minute separates me further from her, and the chances for me to find her shrink away: she is so gifted at disappearing...