My Cry

Email Part 1

Hello,

I was unsure of who to send this email to, so if you could kindly forward or pass this on to someone who could better help me than youself, that would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

summary:in this email i talk about my declining mental health, how i am currently trying to cope with things, and how i developed said mental illnesses to begin with. this is also me reaching out and asking for some kind of support, even if its minimal. if you feel that it isn't your place to read this email, then do not feel obliged, however you have my permission to read it, and share this with the neccesary person(s).

Firstly I would like to start by saying that if anything I write is repetitive or seen as rude or inappropriate, please note that wasn't my intention, i just need to get my feelings out and written down, so that I can understand them better, as well as my lecturers and any other peers at PRC. Also grammar isn't a priority in this email, so please forgive me if it is poor.reader discretion is highly advised, as i talk and mention some very senstive and upsetting topics

I'm not sure where to start exactly with current issues regarding my [lack of] mental health, so i will give some insight to how it became an issue.during secondary school, year 7 and 8, i was subject to two counts of sexual harrassment both in 2014. in august 2014, i can even remeber the exact date, but will not disclose as it wont make a difference here, i was sexually abused by a so called friend of mine- names won't be mentioned, but i will refer to him as sam. this was on the very first day i met him. my mom had no issues with me meeting him as he has met many of the friends i already had in school so didnt see him as a threat to me or just randomly meeting someone online. at the time i was 12, he was 16. i met him in huntingdon at his grandparents house, alone. i said hi, and i was nervous, and we went inside where i met his nan and grandad, both very nice people whom i couldn't fault at the time. looking back on it now, how they couldnt tell i was 12, just by looking at me, raises some suspicion. a LOT of suspicion. they said that they needed to go to tesco to get some shopping or what have you, leaving myself and sam home alone. "go time"before his nan and grandad left, sam's grandad said "remember, no means no". still no red flags for me. to put things lighty, "no" did not mean no. and i threw up as a result of it, i would like to firmly state that i WAS NOT raped that day, however is i hadn't have vomited, then it was very possible that i could've been.

when his grandparents returned, we all walked down to mcdonalds, and i could only eat one bite of my meal. i knew i didnt eat because i was still trying to process what just happened. he excused it as "shes not feeling very well".this then changed to mental abuse for almost a year until i finally had the courage to leave. i would meet him on wednesdays after school for a couple of hours, he would touch me in a public park, all while my mom sat in the car doing paperwork. i was trapped. when i tried leaving my abuser before, id be met with threats of my family being hurt, or him committing suicde because HE COULDNT HANDLE THE ABUSE I WAS PUTTING HIM THROUGH. what a load of bs. i have many friends that were in the same year as him that confronted him about it, his excuse was always "i never sexually assulted her. she asked for it. she said she was 15" etc, etc. whether i was 15, 12, or not- i am under 16, i am a minor, and sam should be behind bars. but since hes apparently "heavily autistic" he gets to walk free. he has attempted to rape 2 other girls i know, and has been dismissed by the police on both occasions. my mom only found out about this 2 months before my 16th birthday. i remember his full name, and previous addresses, but refuse to do anything about it, because i dont want to see him again, whether its in court getting justice or not. i am simply not strong enough to relive it in front of him.this was only the beginning of my downfall.