My Cry

Email Part 2

moving on to the beginning of year 8. i was accused of sexual assult by one of my friend's parents because i was an immaure 12 year old and made a joke that was taken the wrong way. the joke being: "you're so alone that the only happiness you'll feel is the pleasure from when you finger yourself" or something stupid along those lines. the sad part is, the fellow students on my table made worse, more sadistic jokes than i, and they got away with it, including the victim or my very stupid comment. as a result i was punished by a weeks worth of 5 hour long detentions with the teacher that used to be my favorite at the school.during the fourth day of 5 hour long detentions, two other students were there with me, my friend callum [real name] and jon [not real name]. the teacher that was supposed to be in the room with us was off doing "more important" things. so as most people do when there isnt an adult in the room, is mess around. callum and jon started throwing paper at each other when i tried doing homework, then jon asked me to pick up the paper for him. i did because im niave. when i did he smacked my butt. not entirely sure why i didnt challenge him about it, not that it wouldve made a difference to him. this happened a few other times because i'm really stupid, looking back on it now. when we were finally allowed to leave, jon tried pressuring me into kissing him. no thank you. but i did agree to give him a hug instead. BIG MISTAKE. when he hugged me/i hugged him, he groped my butt. again, i am stupid, but i allowed one more hug- still not consenting to his previous actions. this time he groped front and back, as well as my breast, and i pushed him off. all of which was caught on the schools CCTV. which CONVENIENTLY [not] was broken. so i had no evidence against him. and then he tried getting me to kiss him again. and i left the building and went home when he asked. neither of my parents know about this event

at the beginning of 2015, around march, i started severley self harming.it took about a month and a half before my mom found out, she took me to the doctors to see if there was anything they could do to help me stop or get better. i got told to go home and stop wasting their time by attention seeking. the same day i almost bled out because no one would help me, my thought being- if no one will help me, then ill just solve the problem myself. am i still attention seeking dr [name] you f*ing asshole? [sorry, im still very angry about that]after that day, i decided, if i must hurt myself, only do it once or twice. my justification being "if you match emotional pain with physical pain then it will heal at the same rate" it doesnt. it really doesnt. it took me almost 2 year to finally realize that for myself. i lost friends because of it because they couldnt handle seeing myself hurting. but they didnt even try to help me overcome it

if you're still reading, id like to apologise if i have made you upset for reduced you to tears for the nature of what i have said.