My Cry

Email Part 4

sometimes i feel like the world is against me, whenever i plan something, it always gets messed up. nothing i ever do is good enough for anyone. ive never been anyones first choice, im just different, and no one like different. i was denied by the raf, which was an extreme kick in the teeth. i cant find a job anywhere, since we're struggling financially, with only my mom working. i gave up some of my driving lessons just so we had that extra bit of money to satisy my dad's needs, but he wouldnt sacrifice his smoking habits so i could have lessons. i would elaborate but that isnt neccessary for this email.all of this low self esteem, constant low moods, feeling depressed, worthless, not good enough for anyone, never gonna get anywhere, etc- this has all got a really tight hold over me and i dont know how to take control now

in december, you may recall i walked out of a lesson and didnt return to college until a month or so afterwards. i honestly dont know why, but all i could do during that time was cry, and sleep, when im depressed, i sleep in hopes that i'll wake up and maybe things will be different or maybe it was a bad dream, or that i'll maybe be in a better mood. but no. this never worked.recently i have been seeing a new doctor, Doctor Wu, and he has been trying to understand the underlying issue, as well as help me move forward and get better. he has referred me to a site/company called chums, and i will be going back for my third visit to him in two weeks time, and he could quite possibly read this email too.my depression has been getting so bad, that most days i can't get out of bed. it feels like theres a weight on me and i have restaints forcing me to stay there. i have little to no motivation to do anything, part of the reason why i have so many overdue assignments, yet i refuse to use this as an excuse. i keep telling myself that its not good enough, but that then leas to voices telling me that I'M not good enough. and then im back where i started. no motivation for anything, barely any energy - note, caffeine doesn't provide me with energy, so kindly, please do note suggest increasing my caffeine intake, i assure you it wont make a difference.

because of all of this building up i have lost the ability to eat properly. i have lost 2.5 stone in the past few months, clothes that used to be too small, now are at least two sizes too big, and it terrifies me.