My Cry

Email Part 5

yesterday i went to see Doctor Wu, and my mom had to do all the talking, with myself giving her a few prompt words. im not very good with expressing stuff verbally, and i can't talk to people about my problems. when i have in the past, the person id be talking to would turn it around and start making it about them and saying lines like "and you dont think i dont..." which didnt help me at all. i spent most of yesterday laying in bed and napping, hoping these feelings would go away. as soon as i got home from the doctors, i went straight back to bed and tried napping.last night i had one of the worst nights sleeps in history. i kept waking up in hot sweats, couldnt get comfy, kept tossing and turning, and had a few nightmares about college.i messaged a friend about the dreams and this is what i said [ a "." marks the end of one message]:

"Like in class and everyone was having a go at me making me feel like shit. And I was crying. Like in ifans class apparently I used the wrong paper. And everyone was shouting me down for it. But there was none of the 'right' paper. It was in his room idk what class it was for tho. And everyone was taunting me. I even got one person up against the wall by their neck. Because they wouldn't leave me alone. And then I was in a different class with Kieran and I was explaining to him that for me it'd be easier if I got kicked than if I said I'm not coming back. And I think I woke up. If i didn't have that dream, or if I had slept better, I probably would've been in college today."

in the quote, i stated that it would be easier for me if i got kicked off the course than if i quit. and that is true. i am trying so hard to fight these demons i have and still get a decent education alongside that.and i genuinely feel like i cant cope with both at the same time. on multiple, separate occasions, i have thought about drawing the line and quitting the course. but i refuse to. i'd never forgive myself if i did. i know i can get through this dark patch and come out the other side. in all honesty, i will get kicked off the course before i willingly leave. and that is a lot closer than i'd like to think. at the moment i and very close to being removed from the course for very low attendance, and/or failure to submit assignments on time.

if it has to come to it, and i do need to be removed from the course then so be it. but i will not give up myself. i am trying so hard to overcome what im battling everyday and i am trying to hard to come into college, and do assignments on time, but i cant control the way my depressions makes me feel or makes me do/not do. im not handing things in late on purpose, im doing it because the day it's handed in was the only day i was able to escape the dark shadow for long enough.not a day goes by anymore without me thinking that i could just end it all now [suicide] but its just the thoughts

i know i can get better and get back on track but i need help. i really, really need help. i dont want my mental illnesses to control me anymore, i really hate it. so if anyone is able to help me, please, please do.im happy do express feelings to someone in a one on one session, or write down my thoughts and feelings and give it to someone, but i can't talk to someone i dont know.i hope this somehow gives a little more understanding about how i'm trying to cope with everything

thank you for taking the time to read this, it took just under 2 hours for me to write.Thank you,Jaydn