in my head - hardzello

for you, love

a very special chapter, for some very special people. thank you for all of the love, now let me give some of that to you <3

song: 4EVER - triple j like a version - san cisco

ben woke up before joe, to his absolute joy. this meant that he could watch joe. ok, that sounded creepy. but it was in some kind of way, one in which ben couldn't exactly find out. ben couldn't remember a few things from the previous night, but the most important things remained engraved in his memory, and they would stay like that for a long time. he remembered the bar, what amazing things happened there. he remembered the things that he asked joe on the walk, he just couldn't recall anything past walking through the doors in his own home. anything said in his bedroom, remained a mystery.

this is the exact reason why ben was surprised when he woke up with a boy in his arms. his boy in his arms. was he even his boy? he would clarify that later on. but right now, he wanted to indulge himself in whatever it was that had happened in the past three days. he looked over to his laundry basket, and his skirt and panties hanging over the edge. he scoffed quietly, so he wouldn't wake joe. he didn't know where his fascination with crossdressing came from. it's not like he did it regularly, it was just a hobby, an enjoyment. however, if anyone but joe found out about it, he would be bullied, like he was at his previous school.

he jumped in shock when he felt soft lips press at his shoulder, so innocent so pure. every touch sent a jolt rushing down his spine, he had found what he had needed, he needed to make sure he had that. and he would.

'baby.'

'angel.'

'how did you sleep?'

'with you. how i had planned.' ben was still facing away from joe, joe resting his head on ben's shoulder. it was pleasant, and ben enjoyed just staring into the sunlight that was pouring into the bedroom, reflecting off the crisp white sheets.

'so it was all a part of your master plan?'

'i guess you can say that, yeah.' while saying this ben crooked his neck around to look at joe, uncontrollably leaning in to kiss the boy with soul, with care.

'do you know what's weird?' joe began, staring at ben's pink lips.

'what?'

'i think i like you so much that i can kiss you regardless of your terrible morning breath.' he laughed.

'i would like to change the subject.' ben responded, embarrassed beyond belief, laughing it off.

'to?'

'last night.'

'don't remember much?' joe teased.

'enough.' ben sighed.

'enough?'

'the important things.'

'like...'

'like how special you made me feel.'

joe took a second to reply, picking out his words carefully.

'you know, in the past few days it has crossed my mind that i may have been put on this earth to make you feel as special as you are.' 

when ben first met joe, he wouldn't have expected anything as poetic, beautiful and genuine as those words to ever be directed to him. and to be honest, he doesn't know joe much better, but now he believes it. it felt empowering to ben to have those words spoken to him, because he'd never experienced this. or whatever this was.

it took ben a few seconds to snap back into reality, because joe made ben feel like he was in a room with zero gravity, with all the stars surrounding him. joe made ben feel like he could speak his mind, he could be who he was for the first time. himself around joe was ben. and that's the way ben needed it to be.

'i mean it when i call you angel.' ben realised that what he had said seemed pathetic compared to what joe had just told him, but it would do. joe just held ben, he held his face in his hands.

'do you remember at all what you said to me last night?'

'some of it. nothing from when we got home though.' ben replied, honestly. the thing about joe was he tended to overanalyse things, for example, ben's words. the fact that ben had said 'when we got home' made joe feel like they were one, the two were one, and had been for a long, long time.

'good.'

'why good? did i say something wrong? shit, if i said something wrong i didn't mean it i swear. i do weird things when i'm drunk i-' ben spat, frazzled.

'shshshsh baby it's okay you didn't say anything wrong.'

'thank fuck.' ben sighed.

'you don't swear much. it's hot when you do.' the way joe threw his words only showed how comfortable they were becoming with each other, not having to think about offending a 'potentially-straight' boy.

'hmmm, well maybe i should swear more often then?' ben teased, poking at joe's bare chest as joe nodded, laying his hand flat on top of his heart, feeling every beat.

'feel that?' joe asked, referring to his heart beats, and how fast-paced they became.

ben hummed, nodding in response.

'that's how you make me feel. that. you do that ben.' joe placed a hand over ben's holding his hand to his chest. ben didn't know what to say, he liked compliments but he was always unable to react to them in a natural way. so instead he just rested his head on joe's chest, and joe rested his chin on top of the blond boy's head.

they stayed in this position for a while, feeling each other, so innocently, no real trace of lust or greed, just humans. two humans, enjoying each other.

'you fell asleep before i could tell you something important.' joe told the boy underneath him. there was no need to move or any major reaction, it was just casual. ben's hand that wasn't against joe's chest moved around his waist, holding on for life.

'what was it?' ben became suddenly curious. if this was important to joe, then it was important to ben. that's the way things worked from then on. no need for discussion, it's just the way it was.

'you asked me if i believe in love at first sight.'

'yeah i remember, on the sidewalk. you said it depends.'

'yeah, i did. and it does.'

'what do you mean?' ben was a little bit hungover, needing extra explanation.

'i mean that it depends. different people, different experience. i don't know. it's stupid.' joe sighed, his point that he was trying to get across sounded way better in his head.

'no it's not, angel. tell me what you're feeling.' the way ben said that made him feel like he was comforting joe for once. ben always felt like he was being looked after.

'ben, i think i-' and ben heard a sniff, and a small, tired sob. he sprung his head up to see joe, in happy tears. he was a bit confused. they just looked at each other. being with each other.

ben began to kiss joe's tears away, a trick he had learned from the ginger boy.

'hey! you stole that off me! that's my thing!' joe laughed, still crying a little bit.

'we all need a little bit of love sometimes, joe.' ben managed to say, in between kissing the tears off joe's face.

'let me give that to you.' and ben stopped, and he looked up at joe, and joe looked at ben.

'let me give you the love you need.' joe continued, ben couldn't speak.

'let me love you.' and the tears began to pour, they formed waterfalls down both of the boys faces.

'i love you.' joe poured out his heart and soul into three simple words. three simple words that meant so much to each of them.

'i love you.' ben replied. he meant it. they meant it. they loved each other. and they kissed, so softly but with so much passion, and so much love. and they lay there for the morning, being in love.