in my head - hardzello

feelings

mood: mystery of love - sufjan stevens

joe led ben to the picnic blanket, and popped open the champagne. while joe was secretly nervous, hoping it wasn't too clichéd, ben was running through what he had rehearsed in his head.

'joe?'

'yeah love?'

'can we talk, like serious? just for a sec.' joe held ben's hands in his, transferring warmth, love and comfort, everything ben needed.

'course babe. what's wrong?'

'nothing's wrong. i just need clarification, and help.' ben spoke truthfully, as he always had to joe. as he always would to joe.

'i'm here, a god of wisdom.' joe joked. a god, full stop. ben thought, which was true. joe was a god, so was ben. they were gods together, made for each other.

'can you like, listen for a bit? like let me just get it all out?'

'anything for you.'

'ok. when i first moved here, i was shit scared, obviously. you've just made everything so much easier for me. i don't dread going to school, i don't hate it. ok, well i don't love it but like, it's you. you just make my life better. and i've only had you in my life for like what, five days? that's insane. i just, i love you. and you know that, but you have to understand i've never like- loved a boy? or loved anyone for that matter. i'm learning, i think we're both learning, but, i want to learn. i want you to teach me how to love you, how you want to be loved. because you deserve the world, joe mazzello, you really do. and i want to be your world, and give myself to you. that sounds weird, but you know what i mean. i need you with me all the way, the whole journey. and i just need clarification. and i don't want to impose anything or rush anything, but i want you for me, i'm just not sure how to express myself yet. i just need to keep flowing, letting things flow out. i need to let my filter go and i can do that with you. i don't know what i am, in regards to like, you know. but all i know is that it doesn't matter what i am, what i label myself as because as long as i'm with you, i'm happy, and i hope you're happy too.' ben rambled. and joe listened as promised. he hung onto every word, and listened so carefully, so that he could unravel what ben really meant, and what he was trying to say.

but ben hadn't told joe to speak yet, so he just stared into ben's eyes. still listening, even though there were no words being said.

'oh right, you can speak now.' ben laughed and joe followed.

'do you want to know what i think of that little monologue you just had?'

'if you think i want to know, then yes.'

'i think that if i am what makes you truly happy, then you shouldn't be confused about anything else. as long as you and i know how we feel, then we can do what we want with those feelings. keep them to ourselves, spread it around, as long as you're comfortable with it. and everything i ever want is you okay? and you don't have to put labels on yourself, but we can talk about it if you want?' and joe held ben's hands with more and more passion, and his words grew with more and more meaning.

'can we?' ben looked down, ashamed. but joe pulled his chin up, so their eyes were aligned.

'no need to worry, sweetheart. you aren't weird, believe me?' ben nodded, he did believe him. but he needed time to adjust.

'yes.'

'now tell me how you're feeling.'

'ok well, i was never really into girls. i thought i was asexual? but that was only because i'd never met a boy i had a connection with. i would like, find them attractive, but i thought that was just a phase. and i just need someone to tell me that what i'm feeling is ok, because i can't tell myself that, not just yet. but i think i'm...'

he trailed off, because quite frankly he found his monologues long and boring and he was scared that joe wasn't listening. but joe was, just as much as before.

'keep going, i'm listening.'

and with a deep breath...

'i think i'm gay?' joe smiled. he smiled because of how proud he was of ben, but his logic kicked in and he needed to be there for him.

'i know. i just needed to let you figure it out for yourself first.'

they didn't kiss, but ben laid down in joe's lap, staring at the stars, with a starring cameo of joe's beautiful face. they laid their for hours, holding each other, engaging in conversation that led themselves to become more and more in love.

'baby?'

'angel.'

'you mean everything to me, you know that?'

ben nodded. eyes shut.

'you can tell me anything.'

'i know.' his eyes still shut.

'i hope i can tell you anything.' joe admitted.

'of course you can, we need each other, joe.'

'ok well... be mine then?'

ben's eyes shot open and joe leaned down to press their noses together.

'be my boyfriend, you beautiful human.'

'really?' ben was in disbelief, his stomach was a swarm of butterflies.

'of course.'

'yesyesyesyesyes.'

'i love you ben.'

'and i, you, joseph.'

'i told you not to call me that.'

'oh yeah, right.'

they were right, together.