Northern Conqueror

Chapter 30: Mother's Blessing

Chapter 30: Mother's Blessing

Sansa had been miserable after she had rejected Jon. Seeing him had hurt, but having the seat beside her empty through supper made it hard to endure. Yet she felt a similar twist filling her chest as they supped in the Great Hall.

He spoke with any who came to him, but never engaged anyone. He seemed content to get lost in his cups, downing two mugs of ale before finishing his meal, likely only eating it so it wouldn't go to waste.

It was clear that something was bothering him. Not just kingly matters like most would assume, but something personal. Something was eating at his heart, leaving him to sink away, his eyes distant and lost.

She tried to reach for his hand beneath the table but he pulled his away, reaching for his mug and gulping down the remaining half. He set the mug down and rose, departing with nods to those who spoke to him as he passed. He didn't head for his room but out toward the courtyard.

Her stomach was in knots as she tried to give it time so it wasn't so obvious that when she finally excused herself she did so to chase after him. She had endured a lot, but not this. Something was wrong and she wouldn't let it take him from her.

Sansa scoured the courtyard but found no sign of him. The glass garden was empty, the broken tower showing no sign of entry, no fresh tracks going toward the Godswood. She was starting to wonder if he'd ridden off, but then her eyes drifted toward Winterfell's crypt.

Giving her eyes a moment to adjust to the dim candle light, Sansa made her way inside. It didn't take her long to find Jon. He was sat on the floor with his back against a wall, looking at the statue of his mother. The only woman she knew of among the crypt meant for kings and lords.

She'd only seen him down here once before, when they first claimed Winterfell from the Boltons. Jon had led a party into the crypts to make sure no Boltons were hiding within it, and when the others came out he didn't. She and Rickon descended to find Jon stood before the statue of his mother, staring at it until he noticed and left with them, giving her a smile that told her all was okay.

This time he looked to her and turned away, his head hanging as if ashamed. Her heart twisted, but she remained quiet as she moved to the wall and sat beside him. If he wanted to talk he would, but it would be enough to be there for him.

Looking at him, she saw him return to staring at the statue and carefully slid her fingers through his. She felt so relieved when they wrapped around her hand. He took a breath, his throat bobbing before he shook his head at some ridiculous thought.

Finally, his eyes on the floor, he said quietly, "I feel so pathetic."

Sansa remained silent, wanting him to get out whatever was on his mind.

After a moment he continued. "I know it's... It's stupid. I think about it and I tell myself I'm being an idiot, but I can't stop thinking it. Even though I know the rest outweighs it I still see all these little things that feel like daggers in my side, telling me it's true. That no matter how much I want it, I'm still who I always was.

"I know you told me about him." Sansa knew who he meant almost instantly. "How he'd try to get under our skin. I don't think he even realized he did, not in the way he intended, but it was enough to glance against something that had been eating at me. Something that such a dumb, petty thing could make seem so much worse. Even when I know, I don't.

"I know it's not true and I feel awful for even thinking it, but it's still there. It makes me wonder if I've been fooling myself because I'm so desperate for things I never thought I could have. Things I don't think I deserve. It makes things I know don't matter seem worse, and it makes me afraid to ask because I know you'll answer, and as much as I want to hear one answer, the other seems worse than taking another knife."