Hell and Back

Chapter Twelve

I feel uncomfortable being here. Damien is staring at the side of my face, and I can feel his cold gaze studying me as if to find out what I'm thinking. He hasn't said a thing to me since our heated conversation the previous night. I feel embarrassed thinking about it and my face warms up at the thought so I try to forget about it completely. I've got other issues to worry about separately and my feelings for Damien can be put on hold for at least until we get to the palace. "I want to explore today," I blurt out.

Damien looks up from his plate, "explore where?"

I avoid eye contact, "around here before we leave."

"That's fine with me," he mutters to my surprise. I can't believe he's not arguing with me about it. "That doesn't mean you're doing it alone," he adds.

Great, another obstacle. "Is the guard coming along?" I groan, "I don't like her. When can I hang out with Lane? He can be my personal guard. He's the only person around here that's been decent with me." I play with my food using my fork as I frown at the salad. I haven't had an appetite all morning. I notice Damien is a little too quiet, and I look up. Fear strikes me as I gaze into his eyes that are completely red. I'm at a loss for words as my jaw drops. I really need to learn when to shut up.

"I swear to you on my mother's grave I will kill him myself," Damien growls through clenched teeth. His fork bends backwards and he throws the plate against the wall and it smashes into a million pieces. My eyes are saucers as I watch the scene unfold in front of me. I just put out a bounty for Lane's life.

"Damien, stop!" I hurry over to his side.

He's shaking with anger and I brush his arm gently. His body is scorching with heat and I can't figure out what to do. "What do I have to do, Alena? What do I have to do to please you?" He grabs my arm and pulls me so that I'm against him skin to skin. It's hard for me to talk with my body smushed against his.

"I'm sorry," I state, but it sounds like I have a mouthful of food.

"I swear to the Moon Goddess," his grip on me tightens, "I want him dead now." I don't think he realizes how tight he's holding me. I can feel the blood in my wrist stop circulating and I can barely breathe out.

"You're hurting me." His grip loosens immensely and I can finally see in front of me without Damien's chest so close to my face.

"Alena, I'm sorry. I'm — I'm trying," he sounds frustrated and I can't tell if he's still pissed at Lane or just me. "I'm not mad at either of you. Well, Lane of course I still want him dead but I won't kill him.. for now," he explains.

"Then what exactly are you doing?"

He averts his gaze and I fold my arms. "I'm trying to make it up to you," he confesses.

"Make it up to me. Make what up?"

He starts to impatiently tap his foot like a child. The conversation is something out of his comfort zone, of course. "Everything. After what happened yesterday, it gave me a little... clarity. I'm trying to be the man you want."

I furrow my eyebrows, "I'm still not catching on."

"After what happened, I thought about it — about everything. I'm being harsh on you and you don't deserve it. I deserve it all. I'm the one that put you in this mess. I —" he finally turns to me and his eyes are piercing with emotions. "I killed him, okay. I killed your brother, and Lily, and everyone. But I don't care. I don't care about them, Alena. I've become so numb to what I'm doing over the past couple of years and all of a sudden you — you show up and everything is so different. I feel things when I'm with you. I feel emotions. That's the most human thing I've said in a millennia. I try to suppress them but I just screw things up with you and push you even further away."