DOUBLE STANDARDS

Chapter 7

Brit

King was more of a role model he was my best friend. He would comfort me like no one else could. Never judging me for wanting to learn how to sew rather than playing with video games like my other brothers. One night months before he passed he came into the room, "What you doin' lil' man?" he inquired not knowing that i looked up to him more intimately than he knew. "Trying to fix these pants I got a hole in earlier." He always took interest in me and I admired that. I loved the way he would read to us all before bedtime. Loved the way his body would touch me as he cut my hair and I loved when the day finally came for me to show my appreciation. He sat next to me talking about something that I can't remember because I was to busy looking at his lips as he talked. All I can say is I heard him loud and clear when he said, ''Do you know what sex is?" Of course I knew what it was but I hadn't ever did it, I was only 11 at the time. All of my brothers always talked about the litttle girls they wanted to do it with for their first time. I would indulge in the conversations when I knew deep down I did not feel the same way. "No but I always hear y'all talking about it." King smiled at me probably wanting to congratulate me on not being to curious like our other brothers and playing "house" or "hide and go get it" with neighborhood girls when the adults weren't around.  "Ok well I want to be the first to teach you about sex." His words were like music to my ears but I was careful not to show my anticipation and interest as I said, "What do you mean?" He got up and looked down the hallway to make sure the close was clear before closing the door. "Look you know that I'm ya' big bro and I want to make sure you are ready for when  that day comes. So I want you to touch where I tell you to and then I'm going to tell you what to do." That day was mesmerizing as he let me take him into his mouth and took me into his. We did things together that were beyond memorable for me and continued to build a special bond until the day he died. He was taken away from me and Uncle Smooth was taken away from me. Now as I sat in the car willing Tiffany to say something I feared that she would be taken away from me as well. But this time would be different I would do everything in my power to assure I would not lose another loved one that I was in love with.

J man

I had smoked over six blunts in the last four hours trying to get the traces of this sick ass faggot out of my mind. Murder was on my mind heavy but Brit was always the one to keep me sane when I felt like diving off of the deep end. I wanted to speak to Cash so badly, he was a different type of comfort to me. He always protected me and Brit made sure we stayed on our shit even though I would sway away at times and do my own thing. He was the real man in our family he looked out for us heavy even when he got locked up he made moves from the inside. That was my dad that was the man I aspired to be like one day. I beat myself up everyday when he got that time. He gave his dreams up for us. Thought about us every step of the way and it showed. When he told us he'd saved up over $600,000 for us to leave the hood we spit in his face by using it for our own dreams. I bought a strip club just to have a legit place to show for my drug money, Brit tricked it off on Pooh and a bunch of other dumb ass shit like school books to study medicine. Despite both of our decisions we both were still in the hood amongst dope fiends, drug dealers and mother fuckers getting shot everyday outside of our bedroom windows. Brit swore he was better than me at times though, he wouldn't directly say it but i could feel it. He had a family, bought drug houses and rented them out in the hood and spoke like he had a stick up his ass. I knew it was only a matter of time before he clowned me behind this gay shit. I had to go see Cash and tell him what happened, had to let him know the real before Brit went to see him and told him I was on some queer shit with a motha fucka that slid out the same pussy as us. "Yes mam I was calling to see the next time Cassius Winslo could have a visit? Ok I'll be there next weekend 'preciate it." I hung up the phone dragging my blunt until if felt like my lungs were at maximum capacity with smoke. I was going to talk to my brother before Brit could try and tell him my business and make it look bad. But when it was all said and done I probably would make myself look a lot worse.