In the Shadow of Lights

hurt

A/N Listen to the song while reading it. And sorry if this is written badly, I've been going through crap and... I don't know.. It hurts in a way? Everything has been getting up to me and like- I get angrier easily, and I'm more emotional... Fuck. You don't wanna know about my problems.

"GET THE FUCK OUT ALREADY. YOU HAVE NO USE HERE SO GET OUT!"

I'm not going to lie. Or sugar coat things like I always do. I... I should have seen it coming you know? I should have seen my actions these days were too persistent. I questioned him too much. To... Much... It's my fault, isn't it? Everything. We wouldn't even have met if it wasn't for my doing. If I had just walked quicker... If I had just run and jumped into that river, would I have been happier? I mean, I'm always happy when I'm with him. I really am. But it seems as if when I try getting closer... He cuts me off even more. Does he do that everyone? He doesn't have that many friends as well so... I wouldn't really know.

After those words registered in my head, he was already gone. What did I look like? Scared? Sad? An alloy of both? Whatever it was... I can't just leave like that. Not again. Although I wanted to go and check up on him, My legs took me to the car and took me home. Huh... How did that happen?

I walk into the house and guess who's there... Hoseok. I know he means well. And to be honest... I deserve all the things he tells me. I do.

"Namjoon! This is enough! Stop seeing that guy! Do I have to put a damn tracker on you where ever you go? Huh? Is that what you want?!" He said in a raised voice.

I couldn't hold it in... Everything I've been feeling, holding in, stopping myself from feeling, all came rushing out in the form of tears. Hobi did the most logical thing and just held me until I passed out from crying so much.

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I look at my phone every day to see if he messaged me. He doesn't but I still have that tiny hope you know?

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Its been a little over a month. Is he ok? Is he eating well? Oh, I just want to call him to see how's he doing. Just a simple 'hello' would be fine. Anything is fine at this point.

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A month and two weeks

I've locked myself up in this room. Only coming out to 'eat' and use the bathroom. Nothing to special. I still look at my phone every day. He still doesn't text me... I'm not going to be the one to apologize when he was the one that screwed up first. But I should know he's not like that. He won't apologize no matter how much I want it.

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2 Months

Nothing. Tch, why do I even try hmm? I try, I do what he wants, I comfort him even when he messes up pretty badly, but yet, I don't receive anything back. Is it wrong for me to want something back? To have something, anything, back? I just wanted his love or even a good friendship. But... You know this won't happen. Not in a million years. Why did I fall for someone like him again?

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Ring

Ring

Ring

Ring

I'm sorry, but the person you are trying to call is not available at the moment. Please leave a voice message after the tone.

Beep.

Namjoon... I'm... Sorry. I am aware this is a petty apology. Heck, you are probably not even going to answer this, or even listen to this. Look... I know I messed up pretty badly. I've treated you horribly these past two years. I have never meant to hurt you. Im reality, all I am doing is just hurting myself. I can't let people in because I'm afraid of getting hurt and-  Ah...What am I doing? I should be telling you all of this in person you know? But I'm afraid of the way you'll look at me after I see you. After neglecting you for so long. I know how sensitive you are to these things... And how you have accustomed to the way I treat you. Namjoon... I.. I love you. So much, and it's to the point I'm ready to give it all up. Risk everything I put up around me. If you listen to this... I'm coming over right now. I don't care what Hoseok says or thinks about me right now.