what

march 14

I can't do this, I really can't do this.
Why am I always sick and can't I just stay healthy like a normal person? I can barely move around, I have the worst headache and I can't stop crying/breathing furiously. I'm having a really bad panic attack. I'm hallucinating. Both bad and good things. There are people around me and I feel like they're gonna take my life. But they're not there. They're nowhere to be seen but I can see them. I'm in so much pain, my jaw hurts, together with just my entire body.  I'm listening to legend on repeat to try and calm myself down because no one is here, no one can help me right now, besides, I can't saddle them up with my problems. It's unhealthy. I feel like I'm just slowly coming to an end and it feels terrible. Maybe if I fall asleep I won't wake up, who knows? Do I even want to wake up? I don't know anymore I really don't know what to do. My parents will just say "yeah it'll be over soon you're going to school tomorrow" they can see I can barely move let alone cycling with wind going against me.  I feel like everyone secretly hates me but don't want to admit it because they're afraid to break my heart. Right now I can't think about anything else except for my entire past, my dad, my ex, suicide attempts. I can't do this I really can't. I'm trying to hold on but I don't know for who. It's so so difficult. What if I'm dead tomorrow? I don't want to die yet I want to see what's gonna happen in my future. I'm overthinking. I'm sorry. I'm gonna try to sleep now, I've somewhat stopped crying/breathing rapidly but I'm still having the panic attack.

Sleep well everyone and I'll see you tomorrow.