Choking On Sapphires

48 Runnin' Up That Hill

You're in your room alone for the third Friday in a row. Despite the fire roaring in the ornate fireplace, you felt so cold. You were realizing this was a chill that fire alone wasn't going to fix. No matter how thick the wooly jumpers and socks were that you wore, or how often a new warming iron was put into your sheets it didn't stop. You knew that only the company of Alfie would bring the color back to your cheeks, and he'd been acting so peculiar the past few weeks.

He hadn't been distant exactly, he still brought you sweets, took walks in the garden together and read beside you in the study. But you hadn't slept together in almost a month and at first the physical withdraw bothered you the most, but now the emotional withdraw was becoming unbearable. You'd asked him time and time again what was the matter. He'd given every excuse you could think of, and all of them seeming to be genuine, having proof to back up his words with being too busy, too tired, his back being problematic, early mornings and feeling under the weather. The only thing you'd received from him in the form of physical affection was the polite kiss to the cheek upon greetings and farewells. You'd kissed him a few times, but found him to be reserved, and you certainly didn't want to kiss someone that didn't didn't want to kiss you.

He'd given the most common excuse, his back, to you again tonight. He was using his cane, and in the way in which would indicate his damaged nerves were the culprit of his celibacy, but he refused to let you touch him to try to help him. You knew he loved the massages you'd give him, told you'd they'd helped and he was most fond of the feeling of you being so tender with him. So why not now?

To say it hurt your feelings would be an understatement. It had affected your confidence in such an unexpected way that you'd not gone out in weeks. You'd not put on your jewels, or curled your hair, you'd been most plain in appearance. Both Claire and Aggie noticed the change but they dare not say anything of it as they could feel the cloud of sadness that floated above your head everywhere you went, not taking a chance that the wrong word might break the seal and cause it to start raining down on you.

You can't sleep, craving any form of comfort and thinking you might find it in food, you layer up your clothes against the cold in the halls that would meet you once you opened your bedroom door and you quietly make your way to the kitchen.

You hear a familiar grunt, a cough, the usual tread of his feet as you disappear into the shadows as he appears holding a teacup and walking back to his room. You look around the corner to find him unencumbered. His gait normal, no cane in his hand, no wincing or sounds of pain to be heard and you spin yourself back against the wall with force. The sight and the realization would've knocked the air out of you even if you hadn't slammed yourself against the wall. You can't breathe for a moment, your heart literally aches, your ribs cracking with the pain of betrayal as you start to feel nauseous. He'd been lying to you. As soon as the thought forms in your head, you put your hand over your mouth to silence the choking noise your body makes in it's hurt. He wasn't hurting. He had been lying to you and the tears start to stream down your face.

You lay face down in your bed, sobbing almost as violently as you had when you'd heard the news of Elizabeth. You didn't try to contain it, letting yourself feel every bit of misery as it came. The man you'd trusted with your life, even nearly given your heart to had lied to you. Your heart was left in the hallway where you'd seen him, shattered into tiny shards. What was wrong with him? What was wrong with YOU? Why would he not touch you? It wasn't as if he was unkind or uncaring now, he was still so gentle and considerate with you and you'd never been so confused before. The whirling of your feelings for him, the sloshing of your depressed brain keep your face into the pillow, now soaked with your tears and spit and snot as you sobbed well into the night.