Choking On Sapphires

50 Make Up Your Mind

The holidays had passed. The New Year was upon you, the gloom now settling in after the festivities. The cold bitter winter, the dead trees, and the iced-over pond all reflected how you felt inside at this point. Such a depressing start to the new year you thought, you hoped it wasn't a sign of the rest of the year to come.

You'd wandered the grounds for hours, bundled up with only your eyes showing. You found the quiet comforting as it was the opposite of what was happening inside your head. Eventually, Aggie finds you, taking your arm and making you come inside, and you let her. It was almost time for dinner anyway.

The fire in the dining room is roaring. You're in fresh clothes, thick stockings, and wool socks over them, a long nightgown and a jumper that was far too large for you covers the rest of you. Your hair is down and loose and wild, your fingers buried in it as you rest your head in your hands and stare at the table.

"You trying to catch your death out there today?" asks Claire as she comes and places her hand on your back, then to your forehead. "You feel fine for now." she says gruffly, sitting next to you.

When you raise your face to look at her, fingers pushing your long hair out of your face, she finds your face surprisingly sad.

"I thought something was wrong, you out wandering alone..." she says with a frown. "But I'm afraid I don't know what it is."

And as always, he either had perfect or the worst timing and never anything between as Alfie walks into the room, taking his seat at the far end of the table. He sees you looking a bit wilder than usual, and he figures it's best to keep his mouth shut for the time being.

-In French-
"My problem lies at the head of the table." you say with slumped shoulders.

"What's he done?" she asks with a furrowed brow.
You hadn't confided in her about the chaos of emotion you'd been sleeping with instead of him.

"More like what he hasn't done." you shake your head, your voice slow and soft, you rest the weight of your head in your hand on your temple as it's turned to face her.

Claire shakes her head to show she doesn't understand.

"We've not slept together since Elizabeth passed." you admit with a heavy sigh.

Her eyes go wide, the news clearly a surprise to her. She thinks back and realizes she hadn't heard you two having sex for quite some time but she slept in a different wing of the house than you so you could've been going at it and she would've never heard a thing.

"He'd been giving me excuses as to why he wasn't. I found them to be lies." you sigh and shut your eyes. "He finally admitted something was wrong after I pretty much made him after he was shot." you shrug. "I told him then that if he couldn't tell me I understood and I trusted him he'd tell me when the time was right."

"And he hasn't I take it?" her voice is full of sympathy.

"No. Not a word of it again." you rub your face in your hands. "I thought by now he would've told me something. Anything really." you let out a groan. "I just...I don't understand." your voice sounds weak and you push back tears. "I thought surely, as he's kissed me a few times since the celibacy began that he'd perhaps kiss me on New Years, but... nothing." you rest your elbows on the table and rub your temples.

"And you have no guesses?" she tries to be supportive but she knows even less than you do.

"Nothing. I'm completely befuddled by his behavior." you swallow noisily, tears still fighting you with every breath. "I feel so lost, Claire. I thought we had something. I really did."