New Beginning: Tortured by the Past, Haunted by the Future

Confusion and Guilt: Chapter 27

Joanne is lying in bed trying to read but her mind keeps going back to this afternoon. Playing over and over what happened between her and Roy.

Why did she give in to Roy, letting him make love to her the way he did in the kitchen? Why didn't she just resist and push him away?

Because she can't resist him and she still loves him, even after everything he has done to her, hurting her and breaking their vows. But the bond they have is undeniable. She has always been in love with him since high school.

But she just isn't sure if she can trust him, not right now. Bu she also doesn't want to give up either. Plus sending him to a hotel would be more confusing and hurtful for the kids who are actually so happy that he is home again.

Grabbing her bookmark, she places it in between the pages where she stopped reading and closes it.

Putting her book on the end table, she looks at her cell phone and wonders how Tracie and Johnny are doing. Or maybe she just needs to talk this out with her best friend is what she really needs right now too.

She picks up her phone and looks up Tracie's cell phone number and is about to call her when there is a knock on the door.

Hitting the home button on her phone, placing it back down on the side table.

"It's Roy. Can I come in?" Roy says from the other side of the closed door.

She feels the butterflies begin in her stomach and a smile cross her face but then realizes that she can't let him see her this way so she wipes the smile off her face and says, "Come in."

Roy opens the door and is standing there in a tee shirt and boxers, looking at her with a serious look on his face.

"Is everything alright Roy?" Joanne asks.

Nodding his head, he walks into the room, "Yeah, everything is good. I just wanted to apologize for this afternoon." He says sitting on the bench that is at the foot of the bed.

Smiling at him, "You don't have to apologize Roy. I wanted it just as much as you did. But you have to understand that it can't happen again, not right now anyway."

Roy looks at her and says, "I know but Joanne I.."

Joanne puts her hand up to stop him from talking and says, "Roy I still love you but you hurt me deeply by cheating on me with that whore from Rampart. You broke our vows and I just am not ready to forgive and let you back in yet. I can't. I don't trust you and I don't know if or when I will ever trust you again."

Roy feels his heart skip a beat as her words sting him. "Jo, I know I broke our vows. And I'm not asking for your forgiveness right now because I know you can't do that. I also know that I have to gain your trust back and I am willing to do whatever it takes to earn that trust and come back home to be with my family again. But right now all I can do is just give you your space and thank you for letting me come back home these past few weeks while John and Tracie talk and work on themselves right now."

Joanne is sitting on the bed, ringing her hands nervously as she listen to Roy say all of the right things but isn't sure if she believes him just yet.

Roy sees that she is nervously ringing her hands, he stands up and walks towards the bed, bending towards Joanne, he kisses her on the top her head before leaving the room.

"Good night, Jo. I love you." Roy says and turns on his heels, grabbing the doorknob and closing the door behind him.

Joanne stares at the door for a few seconds, before reaching for the light and turning it off.

Sliding down a bit and pulling the covers up, Joanne lays her head on the pillow, and just stares into the darkness thinking about what Roy just said to her, that he would do anything to make this work and be a family again. Maybe it's time to try, maybe he is just going to say what he thinks I want to hear. But he sounded so sincere and that's the Roy I know and feel in love with.

She rolls over onto her back, starring up at the ceiling until finally, sleep has taken over her body and her eyes are as heavy as weights that she just can't fight it anymore, as she falls asleep.