A Dreamers Dream

Find what you love and let it kill you. Toronto, Canada.

Maddie's perspective.

"Thanks for doing this," I say quietly to Stuart as I climb into the back of the black Range Rover which he's just pulled round to the exit behind the Air Canada centre and settle myself into the comfortable leather chairs, slinging my handbag onto the seat next to me. He doesn't reply, simply nodding at me once as he closes my door before walking around to the driver's seat and cramming his large frame behind the wheel. After Harry left my dressing room, I took my time leaving the arena, wanting to give him and Paul ample opportunity to sort a room for me back at the hotel. Stuart apparently insisted on waiting and driving me back, or maybe Harry insisted he wait, I'm not entirely sure, I wouldn't put it past either of them to decide that I am too damn fragile to manage a ten-minute cab ride by myself.

I spent my remaining time at the arena changing out of my stage clothes and having a much needed long hot shower in an attempt to calm myself down. Allowing the steaming water to cascade over my skin for as long as I could before it started to run cold, hoping that it would somehow help to clear my mind. Help me to see a solution to this mess I seem to have gotten myself into.

I'm utterly exhausted by the time we reach the hotel lobby, I feel dead on my feet from the mixture of emotions that have flooded through me since I left here earlier today and completely numb, it feels like I've been away for a week or maybe even more because so much has happened. I've gone from being tearful, too stubborn and determined, to nervous to angry, too excited and back to angry again in the space of just a few hours and now, I can't summon enough emotion to feel anything at all other than tired.

I hang back near the doorway as Stuart has a quick chat with the concierge when we arrive and is handed a set of keys for my new room, not feeling up to making polite conversation myself, and then blindly follow him down the hallway and into the lifts in silence. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and go to sleep, try and forget my conversation with Harry tonight and all the horrible things that we said to one and other, and hope that things will be better in the morning. But I know I can't. That this is one problem, I can't run away from. As tired as I am, I know that there is no point in me trying to go to bed yet, all that will happen is that I will lay there tossing and turning, thinking over everything and get myself in even more of a state. Better to try and get my head straight first.

When we arrive on the floor below the suite that Harry will be occupying in tonight, the one I should be curled up in with him right now, drinking champagne and toasting my stage debut between heated kisses and bouts of sex, I spot my trusty bright pink suitcase stood outside two large white double doors at the far end of the hallway and breathed a sigh of relief, a part of me had been worried that Harry wouldn't send my stuff down, that he'd force me to go and collect it and talk to him and I'm pleased that he's respecting my wishes to be alone. Even if a tiny part of me was hoping he'd be standing here waiting for me, begging me to talk to him, to not shut him out. I can't pretend that there isn't a huge part of me that wants to say fuck this, grab my suitcase and rush up to his suite, throw myself into his arms and let him kiss the pain away, but I can't do that. Not tonight. This is how it has to be, I tell myself as I aimlessly follow Stuart down the corridor. I need some space, I can't think straight when I'm around him, my emotions completely take over, and right now I need to be logical. Right now, I have a huge choice to make, and I can't have those mesmerising green eyes of his distracting me.

Whilst Harry was on stage tonight, Dean and I had the opportunity to have a fairly in-depth chat about exactly what it is he is offering me. And after I got over my initial shock and confusion, I actually started to get excited about it. This man was offering me everything I have ever wanted on a plate, all I had to do was say yes, and I could have the life I've always dreamed of! But there was something stopping me from doing it, some strange nagging feeling deep inside me that held me back, and I have a feeling that that something's name is Harry Styles.