Until you came (Zarry) /English Version

39. Amnesia

Zayn

After I get dressed, I pack up a few things for the next days into a bag. I will tell Gigi that I am moving to the hotel to prepare for the exhibition. First I put the travel bag in a corner.

Now it's time for work. All portraits must be framed and labeled. This will take some time. The vernissage must be a success, because I need the benevolence and the money. I do not know how my life will continue. At the moment I feel that it is coming to an end. If I give up everything, then I am facing ruin - first and foremost emotionally. Financially, it's not a problem. I have earned and saved enough money and the apartment is paid for. Restrictions will not be necessary for the time being. But I am emotional burned out and that worries me.

With melancholy I remember the quiet days with Gigi that we spent together and when we were still happy. Life is flowing evenly, like a clear stream. The world seemed fine. The monotony didn't bother me. I was absorbed in my painting and enjoyed the seclusion from the hustle and bustle of the city and other people. Gigi's presence was enough for me. I was satisfied.

When my wife then invited the Styles of an evening, I already had a feeling something was wrong. The Spirits that I've cited. I was aware that new acquaintances in my life would only bring trouble. It was bound to happen sooner or later....and it did. I should have kept my hands off Harry, I ponder. A bitter end was to be expected and I did not hold back. Playing with the fire, playing with the unknown burnt my fingers and plunged me into chaos. I gradually lost control over myself, ruining my marriage. An inner voice warned me.

It's too late for any kind of remorse, and now I'm suffering the consequences. For the first time in my life I am bearing consequences at all and cannot yet classify this feeling. I only notice that I live and do not sink into indifference. At the same time I am so burned out inside that I cannot feel anything for anyone except my own dull pain in my chest. The restlessness seizes me again. The body and soul are longing for something I cannot define. I don't feel like painting, I lack the inspiration for it. The paintings would only be gloomy and without any subject. This inner restlessness and the dissatisfaction - not being able to change things anymore - eat me up. Those are the pains I feel that don't pass.

Gigi and Harry suddenly became unimportant to me, although hours ago I thought I loved Harry. Once they were a light in my life. Now they've become a burden - Gigi because she loves me; Harry because he doesn't love me. I don't want to see either of them again. None of them. I want to forget their faces.

I long for seclusion and peace. I long for my apartment.

After hours of hard work, I wash my hands and arrange the exhibits. The gallery owner called me in the meantime and asked for the paintings. Later I will drive by the gallery and put the portraits up with him. With that my part of the work is done.

In the kitchen I make myself a strong coffee. My head no longer hurts and I drink the black liquid in small sips. It's time to go, I admonish myself. All I have to do is pick up the key from Harry. Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Harry