Until you came (Zarry) /English Version

17. Bitterness

Zayn

Gigi comes home and I'm in a bad mood. Harry just left me standing in the garden. Damn, he actually found out about me and Perrie. Did he really believe that I have a crush on him? Why would I change my lifestyle because of him? I've had sex with a dozen or so of my models without Gigi ever noticing. I just love variety. 

Now the situation has changed. My neighbour was behaving like a jealous one and it's really bugging me . On the other hand, I want him in my life. Oh, how I hate it when I have to make compromises. That has never happened before and now I am forced to do it. Oh, that Styles!

"I have to go over to Harry's for a minute," I say to my wife. She whines out of the bedroom. "Why? I just got home. We wanted to spend a nice evening!", she says disappointedly. "It won't be long. It's really important," I reply. "But hurry up! In the meantime I'll cook us something tasty," she gives in sympathetically.

Harry

"The doorbell is ringing, darling!" 

Taylor shouts from the bathroom. 

"Will you please open the door, Hazza?!" 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm going!" 

Slowly I rise from the sofa where I made myself comfortable with a book. When I open the door, he stands in front of me: Zayn Malik.

"What do you want?" I sound pretty rude.

 "Can I come in for a minute," he asks and looks pretty wrinkled.

 "Well fine, but only if is absolutely necessary." 

As he enters I am already back in the living room. That is the last thing what I need! What does he want again? Zayn smiles diffidently and follows me. 

"Harry, please listen to me." 

"What for?" 

Man, I don't feel like having this conversation.

 "Styles, will you please listen to what I have to say?"

 "What for? You can do whatever you want. I don't care and it's none of my business either, does it, Malik?"

 Zayns face becomes dark again. He gasps for air.

 "That's what this is about!? And then why are you acting like we're an old married couple? You have no right to reproach me for anything," he says. 

"And why are you here then, Malik?", I counter. 

"I wanted to talk to you about it because I have the feeling that you are mad at me," he gives in. 

"Oh, Zayn. We should never have started that. That doesn't go well. It's too complicated." 

At the same moment I regret my words. Fear seizes me that Zayn actually break up with me and we can't see each other anymore.

The elegant man takes my hands, holds them tight and looks me in the eye. 

"But I don't want us to break up. That's why I came, Harry." I nod and swallow. 

"Listen, I care about you. Well, I do see Perrie every now and then..." 

My heart tense up at the thought. I don't want to hear it and put my hand on his mouth. 

"Don't tell me anything about it. I don't want to know."

 "Are you jealous?" I lowered my eyes. I feel caught.

 "No, I'm not." I answer.

 "Harry, so Perrie...uh the model...we didn't have sex today." 

"I just told you, I don't care. You are an adult and you make your own decisions. I don't care who you sleep with or when." 

Of course it is a lie. I still care what he does. Zayn knows that, I think

"And you mean it? And you want me to believe that?" 

My goodness, believe it or not! The discussion starts to annoy me because we are going around in circles. He wants his models and I only want him. What is so difficult to understand about that? What does he want? Impossible that I reveal my feelings to him. I know he could never feel for me what I feel for him.

All I want is to get this affair out of my life. I was stupid to make a mistake like that. My heart says: Continue the affair; my mind advises me to break up with him. There's nothing more to say. I am hurt. He's in an emotional mess right now that I've caused.

"Was that all, Zayn?" I want to know. 

He looks at me in complete bewilderment and doesn't know what is happening to him.

 "As I said, I just wanted to talk to you about it. It's just I don't want you to get the wrong impression. By the way, I'm sorry that I snapped on you in the garden," he replies. 

That I don't get the wrong impression? Did he just say that to me? It can't get any worse. Does that mean I'm just one of his countless affairs? I'd like to slap him in the face for this impertinence.

"It's all right, Zayn. You're not wrong. We are not a married couple, not a lovers couple. That's why we shouldn't behave like that as if we were one", I say bitterly and pull myself together so as not to cry. 

This realization is the death knell for me.

 "Great, Harry," he says with relief.

 "As long as we agree on this. So we're good?" Zayn laughs.

 He's actually laughing in my face. No, it can't be true. My whole world just fell apart and Malik laughs. 

"Yes, we're good," I whisper.

 "I have to go. Gigi is waiting," he says.

He wants to hug me to say goodbye. Reflexively I take a big step back. Zayn is irritated.

 "Hey? I thought we were good again?"

 "So are we, but no kiss, no sex."

My common sense has prevail. I said it. My heart is crying. Self-protection has begun. The next days I avoid Zayn; I don't want to hear and see anything.

"What are you saying, Styles?"

 "You understood me quite well. Let's break up before we ruin everything and ourselves. We're neighbors, we live next door, we're both married."

"But Harry." Nervously he runs through his raven hair.

 "Please, don't..." he pleads. 

"No, Zayn. It's over," I whisper.

Zayn

I feel a little shaky. I feel sick. Harry, this wonderful man, he broke up with me before it really started.

I won't be allowed to touch his athletic body anymore. I won't be allowed to touch his delightful dimples. I will no longer be able to hear his lustful moans. He will no longer breathe my name.

It's hitting me harder than I thought. All the models and Gigi become submerged from one second to the other. Harry sneaked into my life and into my heart without me being aware of it. Now he is hurt. Shall I tell him that he's been affecting me more deeply than I realize?