The Funtom Company

1: The |Secretary| Company

"I'm in need of a new secretary," Vincent Phantomhive announced to his workers. He'd chosen a floor to his building at random. It was always like this. He'd hire a new secretary, something would happen, and then he'd have to hire another one. "Anyone looking for a different job?" he asked as he walked around. Each person avoided eye contact and tried to look at their work. They weren't working. Who could possibly get anything done with Vincent standing there? Aside from being devilishly handsome, the man was their boss.

A lone male stood by the copier machine. He was desperately hoping the noise would stop but no matter what he did the machine kept going and going. The pin-drop silence was crowded out by the loudness of the copier machine. It was horrifying. All he could do was be thankful that his hair was long enough to hide his embarrassment.

"Is no one going to do anything about that?" Vincent pointed to the machine. "Clearly the poor chap doesn't know how to work it," Vincent sighed. About a dozen people immediately jumped up out of their seat to go help the guy. All of them wanting to impress the big boss, no doubt.

"You know what? Forget about it," Vincent sighed. "You there come with me, congratulations, you're getting promoted," Vincent waited for the guy to move. He didn't. He just stood there, pointing to himself, like 'did you mean me? are you sure?' "Yes, you, with the long hair, come with me," Vincent sighed and grabbed the bridge of his nose. "Are you going to keep your boss waiting all day? I do have work to do, unlike you people apparently," Vincent shot a deadly smile to the rest of his workers. None of them had done an ounce of work while he was in the room. They were all too nosy.

When the guy finally realized that Vincent was talking to him, yes him, only him, he stumbled over his feet and followed Vincent out. The top floor just consisted of a room at the end of a long hallway. A desk outside a door and a desk inside the door. No one really went into that room, as far as the workers knew (or that floor), except the secretary. But, Vincent went through secretaries so much that no one could really ask any of them about it, (because no one knew who the current one was).

"You've heard the rumors, I presume," Vincent tried to make conversation. The man was too scared to speak. Vincent noticed that. "Believe them if you will," the elevator's door opened to reveal the rumored hallway. There were two doors. One with a desk in front of it, likely leading to the office. Vincent opened the second door. It was a bedroom.

"Before I give you your actual job description," Vincent started talking but the man he'd just picked up looked terrified to step foot in the room. The rumors must be worse then Vincent thought. 

"I'm not going to do anything to you, dearie. This room is for when I stay late and don't have the energy to go home. It's not for having sex with my secretaries, unless you want to," Vincent winked. "Sorry, sorry, that was inappropriate. I have a problem with...anyway let's get back to business. I can't have you working like that," Vincent gestured to the man's current attire, unkempt hair, and miserable attempt and staying calm. "So you'll have to wear something of mine until we can get this all situated." Vincent went through the closet of emergency clothing and pulled out a few suits that were too big, (previous secretary mistakes, it happens).

"This should fit you," Vincent held up a suit to the man. "Yeah, it'll just have to do. You can put that on in the bathroom over there," Vincent pointed, "and then we can do something about...that," Vincent made a circle in front of the man's face. His hair was covering half of it and it looked like he hadn't brushed it in years.

Vincent sat on the bed and crossed his legs. Waiting for his new secretary to change was a bit of a problem. This wasn't going to help the rumors around him. He'd heard a few here and there. No secretary lasted longer than a month because they either fucked him, loved him, or were just terrible at their job (according to the gossip). There were also the comments that he was the worst boss imaginable. Vincent didn't know about that one. He thought he was fairly reasonable. Getting this company off the ground was an achievement. It took a lot of hard work to get it as good as it was.

The new secretary exited the bathroom with the suit on. His shoes weren't that bad. Vincent would let that one go. He gestured to the ground in front of him. "Kneel," he said, immediately regretting it. This, this right here, is why no one wanted to work this close to him. The guy hesitated but didn't refuse. He knelt in front of the bed. Vincent grabbed the brush and started attempting to tame the wild beast that was his hair. He braided some of the overgrown bangs so that at least part of the man's face was showing. 

"You're quite the cutie," Vincent smiled. Fuck. Not again. He really needed to get that under control. He wasn't flirting he was just being brutally honest. It was a character flaw. One of the many reasons those rumors existed. Well, whatever, it's not like the newspapers hadn't said any of this before.

"Oh, I suppose I should ask you what your name is...and if you even want to be my secretary," Vincent sighed. "Sorry, I get carried away. I got distracted by the makeover. Regrettably, it's one of my weaknesses to reveal true beauty whenever I can find it." Fuck. It wasn't flirting. He swore by it. It was just...brutal honesty? He was starting to get suspicious of even himself at this point. 

"I'll work for you, Mr. Phantomhive," the man said. His voice was a bit deeper than Vincent thought it would be. He didn't know how to respond at first. 'Mr. Phantomhive' that's a new one. Who was the last person to call him that? People usually just said 'Sir.'

"My name is Undertaker," the man blushed profusely. "No, no that's my nickname, I'm sorry, I'm not used to saying my name since people rarely call me that...oh my god, please ignore that," he hid his face in his hands. "My name is Adrian."

"How did you get a nickname like that?" Vincent asked, genuinely curious.

"My hair. It's a mess and unmanageable. I have this weird laugh too...I don't know. I got it in high school and no one has ever called me anything different..."

"Let's go with 'Uny' then. It's different but not that different," Vincent smiled. "I'm Vincent, as you know, married with two kids. Beautiful twins."

"Single, forever alone," Adrian replied.

"Single, maybe. Forever? I'm not so sure," Vincent stood up and walked out of the room. Adrian followed. "This is your desk. I'll give you a brief rundown of how to do things...tomorrow. I have to get back to work. Just sit there and look pretty. Become acquainted with the atmosphere." Vincent gestured to the long hallway before opening the door to his office. He disappeared leaving Adrian alone, to ponder the meaning of his existence.

"Well, this most certainly is not how I expected my day going when I woke up," Adrian admitted.