i wanna end me. [ paused ]

five

„ maybe it's best that you're not here "

It was dark around me. I felt weightless and looked around.

I fell. I fell into the depths. My breath was uncontrolled and heavy. I wanted to scream for help, but why would I scream for help if there was no help to scream for, I couldn't tell.

It was so endless that fall. The smell of rain was in the air and it was always colder.

Until I hit the ice-cold ground.

I jumped.

"Hey, are you alright?" I heard.

I opened my eyes. I sat in the dark-eyed boy's classic car. Desmond was here. Well.

"Bad ... badly dreamed," I muttered as I rubbed my eyes. My eyes were directed to the wet road.

"You fell asleep ... and it started to rain," Desmond began to explain, "I carried you into the car." "A-and where are we going?", My voice sounded exhausted. When I noticed that, I cleared my throat and sat down as straight as possible.

"To your home, you shouldn't be late, your mother said," he continued. My gaze wandered to him. His hands were pressed to the handlebars, breath was controlled.

"How do you know that?" I asked, "And where is my backpack?" "Your mother texted to you and your backpack is in the trunk", He leaned back, "You look really interesting when you're sleeping."

My muscles tensed. "I know that sounds weird, but you looked so ... peaceful", he chuckled softly. His hair was blowing in the fresh air of the wind. "Thanks ... I think",I mumbled softly, looking out the window.

It was a bit dark, but you could still see something from the gray sky. A little light was left.

After a while, he parked in the driveway of my house. His eyes turned to me.

Glancing at him, I looked at my hands. They were cold, so cold that it felt like they were wet.

"Riley?" I heard. Again I looked up and looked the dark-haired boy in the face.

"Desmond", was my brief answer. "We should not get too close", he said with a shrug.

"W-what?"

It was like a stitch in my heart. A light, tender sting full of pain. It screamed for "do not go!" but also "let go!".

"I'm unique, you know," he continued, "And you'll understand ... someday." I nodded slowly.

I know that he was different. That he had something behind him. That he had beaten at least two people.

The dark-haired boy looked at me and so I looked in. "Why?" It came out of me.

"W-what," the first time I heard him stutter unsure. "Why are you doing this? Why me?" I continued as my gaze wandered to the window. It was quiet. "I mean ... criminals have nothing better to do than help a girl they barely know", my breath went unchecked, "I just mean, who knows what you've already done."

Silence.

My gaze wandered back to him. His face looked hurt. As if my words hurt him. My words.

"You should go", his voice was direct and cold. It hit me like a dagger in the heart. It hurt me for whatever reason.

"Y-yes," with these words, I unbuckled myself, got out and went to the trunk, where he already stood and handed me my backpack. For a few seconds we looked at each other until he broke the silence with a "take care of you".

I nodded and suddenly had an incredibly strong urge to hug him. His eyes were on me, studying my looks.

"Thanks," I breathed and turned to go to the door. I did not look back, that would only make things worse. It would hurt more.

It already does.

this chapter is dedicated to rachel, han, anna, brianna and yiling. 

xx