Happiness is Yours

5. Figure Out What You Want

Seems like an easy question, right? What do you want?

Ice cream?

A new car?

World peace?

Yet many of us, when asked this very question point blank, fumble for a good, thoughtful answer. Why is that? Could it be we are so focused on the things we don't want, that these things we don't want are the only things we see? Consider some common answers to the question, "What do you want?"

I don't want to be bullied anymore.

I want my girlfriend/boyfriend to stop being inconsiderate.

I want my boss to leave me alone.

I don't want to be sick anymore.

These are all things you don't want. These are problems in your life that may be looming large and taking up all your peripheral vision. When you focus on the problem in your life, you aren't solving anything. You are magnifying them. Your brain has a tendency to churn and analyze, and when it doesn't have enough information for a proper solution, it just keeps churning the same information over and over, wearing a rut into your thoughts.

Ever ride a bicycle or drive a car and come upon a rut in the road? The bike or car tends to drift into it automatically and stay there until you consciously steer out of it. Our thoughts act the same way. Is it a wonder that so many of us are in a state of frustration or dissatisfaction?

Why Knowing What You Want is Important

When you know what you want, that gives you a goal. A positive change in your life to strive for. A purpose. You may joke and say, "What if I just want ice cream?" Okay then, for the next ten minutes, you've got a goal in life! For the next ten minutes, you're going to be focused on the creamy delight melting in your mouth and how yummy that will be. You're going to march to the freezer or the store and get some.

How does it feel to have a sense of purpose? It feels good! When you go after what you want, you stop whining about all the crap in your life. You are moving forward, and forward movement means you aren't stagnating. Tony Robbins, one of the most well-known motivational speakers in the world, is fond of saying, "If you aren't growing, you're dying." It's a bit dramatic, but you get the idea. If you're not striving for something, you languish. You feel bad.

How to Figure Out What You Want

Once the ice cream is eaten and enjoyed, then what? What do you really want? A great trick for figuring this out is, ironically, to use our list of "don't wants". For each item on your don't-want list, think of its opposite.

I don't want to be sick anymore = I want to be healthy

I want my boss to go away = I want a job where I am respected

I don't want to be bullied anymore = I want to enjoy going to school again

I want my girlfriend/boyfriend to stop being inconsiderate = I want to feel special in my relationship

For that last one, you might be tempted to say, "I want a considerate boyfriend/girlfriend." It's the opposite, right? The problem with that is you have no control over how the other person behaves, so it's not a reasonable goal. We need to amend the statement until it becomes a subject we can do something about. To help me in the process, I asked a series of questions.

Why do I want my significant other to be more considerate? Because their inconsideration makes me feel unimportant.

Why do I need to feel important? Because I feel special when he/she considers my feelings, and that feels really good.

What can I do about it? I can talk to him/her and let them know I feel unimportant. If they continue acting the same way, then maybe it's time to leave.

Then what is the goal I want to reach? I want to feel special in my relationship.

Focusing on what you want vs. what you don't want gives you power. It gives you forward momentum. It moves you from a place of dissatisfaction to something a little better. You are no longer stuck in a mind-storm of endless negativity and unhappiness. Even if you are in a dark place, figuring out what you really want shines a light at the far end of that tunnel. You know which way to crawl, and if you keep going, you'll eventually get there. Even if your progress is slow.