I was told that everything's gonna be okay. Then he said that nothing's gonna be the same.
I was asked if I could go and make food. Then he said that I was too bad at it.
I was depended on. And then he said I was untrustable.
I asked him if he could...
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One a.m. The first night in California. And I couldn't sleep.
I pulled the bedsheet over my head, everything was dark as expected.
"What if I die now?" I whispered to myself. The question sounded too distinct, so I asked myself again "what if I disappeared now?"
That's something I always asked myself. What if I did disappear now?
Will someone cry for me? Or be heartbroken? Maybe even pity. Or none at all. I might even get forgotten instantly, it's not like anything that I do marks the history.
The time has come and it felt suffocating. I couldn't be under the sheets longer, I pushed them away from my face and gasped in the air I needed.
"Fuck this," I mumbled and stood out of bed then grabbed my phone from the nightstand. The cuss word I said made me think of my mom, if she were to hear me say that right now, she'd smack my head and accuse me of influencing Cadence. The thought made me scoff a laugh.
I took my grey jacket from the dressing chair and shrugged it on, cringing slightly as I remembered wearing this on a date with my ex. It was one of the best dates I've ever been on. It was simple, no fancy restaurants, nothing formal. Just me and him, in his room, eating Chinese takeouts and watching movies.
When I made it to the front door, I zipped up my jacket and put on my shoes before heading out.
The cool ocean breeze blew its salty scent right into my nostrils, it took me to my happy place. The wind played with my brown hair as I walked down the shore. I watched as I left a trail of footprints behind me, the feeling of the sand crumbling beneath my feet made me thought of the time my brother jumped on and ruined my sand castle. It doesn't sound pleasant but it made me smile.
I somehow found myself wandering into the forest, following the mossy rocky path which leads to god knows where. The wind didn't seem to quite reach me here, the tall, swaying trees blocked most of it.
This isn't the scenery most people would see me in, they would think I'll be by the ocean because that's really all I talk about.
My friends back in Newyork call me 'ocean girl' sometimes. It pretty lame but I can't certainly do anything about it. To them, I'm that funny surfer girl whose life is oh-so-prefect. The problem is that that's not me. I want them to see the real me.
They ask me if I'm okay, and of course, I said that I'm fine. But I want them to do more, not just ask a simple question so I could just lie and they would believe it. This does sound surely self-centred but it's just that nobody even tries anymore. Do they actually care? I wasn't myself for weeks and nobody noticed.
The only person who noticed is my big brother and it's only because he's observative.
But then there's that one time, where someone else noticed. I finally had hope. "You look sad," he said. I'm sad every day, it's just that that one day, I was too tired to pretend to be happy. I'd really appreciate it if anyone, and I mean anyone, would do something for me. I'd appreciate every little thing. Even if it's just a quick "hi."
