(march 19th, 2019)
mad fucking tired again. i thought i wouldn't cry again after seeing my scores but i was wrong and it's gotten worse. my choices are so limited and it's not like i can talk to anyone about it. i don't wanna be alone either so that's fucking great. i know everyone's disappointed that i didn't score high and stuff but i tried so fucking hard. i dealt with everything over prep and i still didn't get in. i tried so hard to stay with my grades and not break down in that classroom every time he broke my heart but it's not like it ever paid off. i'm so sick and tired of having hope then everything burning and crashing to the ground. east west is always an option but i just had higher hopes that maybe i could achieve something for once but that never works out in the end. so many projects and tests left to fail and stress over. i wonder why i even try anymore. people are mad fake and i'm tired of giving them my love. i'm tired of just being an emotional punching bag to people. i just wanna feel loved. i wanna be worth something. i just wanted to feel happy and okay for once rather than tired all the fucking time. i don't know why i'm still alive at this point. after all the stuff life's put me through, why the fuck am i still going. if i ended it all i wouldn't have to deal with all this heart ache and tiredness. sometimes i feel like even if i died he still wouldn't care. i just miss feeling happy and carefree.
meh
