I Rant

Rant 1 : Nick

Hello again! So here is the first rant! Are you excited? Well you better be.

So here is basically the whole reason that I decided to write this "book." I have issues dealing with things and I like repetition because I hold on to things for way too long.

Anyways here is the story about how I lost one of my best friends.
*I would say names are changed but like no one is going to read this most likely so names are names. Maybe I changed them, maybe I didn't.*

So a few years ago, way back in 2015, I was in my second year of my first college degree. While doing the program and leading the club (if you have no idea what I am talking about go back and read Welcome, come on it was the first chapter and you skipped it? Shame) I met a guy named Nick. He was super sweet and funny and I will fully admit cute.
September 2015 I had just started seeing my ex (not going to name drop cause I don't need that negativity in my life) and it was my first relationship. Nick and I grew closer but kept everything platonic. He modeled for some shoots of mine and we became smoking buddies (I need to quit) as well as members of the same club. Him along with a person named Charley were my closest friends that I met at CEGEP (Quebec college). We were a trio, unstoppable, and so close that we knew where each other was basically all the time. (Charley is non-binary so just a heads up with pronouns). Charley though I was cute when we first met, and tried hitting on me. I turned them down claiming that I was straight (LIES LIES LIES). Nick also was trying to flirt with me but I kept things friendly but not romantic because I was with my ex. (I found out later that Nick had been trying to get me to cheat on my ex with him).
Nick and Charley were pretty messed up back then, dealing with their own tramuas. I on the other hand was okay for once, and I took on the role of therapist with not only them but the rest of the club. Nick would call me late at night because he was in a bad head space, or he was too fucked up to get himself home, and I would always answer and try to help him out as best as I could. I did this for years and we were super close. Then my ex started restricting who I could talk to about about what I could say to them. Nick not surprisingly got the ax which was okay because by this time I was living with my ex and Nick had started seeing Martha. So we drifted a little bit but not that much. Then I finally dumped my abusive ex and moved back in with my parents and I got to see Charley and Nick more often. They would come down to visit me and we would just chill. Nick and I were still very affectionate but nothing inappropriate (dyslexia remember). Charley, Nick and I started to have conference calls with each other regularly so that we could all know what was happening with the other.
I will say right now that in 2017 when I dumped my ex I was not in a good head space and I was dealing with the abuse that I had suffered as well as the side effects of some nasty birth control.
So Nick and I start drinking a lot, not together but we would text each other when we were tipsy or drunk. The texts would start out friendly and then drift to flirtatious, but nothing graphic, just harmless flirting. Nick and Martha were still together but on the rocks because Nick had walked in on her cheating on him with a friend of hers at a party. Martha also wanted an open relationship but only open for her (not the healthiest way to do things). So Nick was all kinds of fucked up and I was too so we were both making bad decisions back then. But keep in mind that I had helped him for two years at this point with his stuff.
I broke up with my ex in February and in April Nick and I were going to a party without Charley. Nick and I when we were tipsy agreed to share a tent and just cuddle platonically because I was lonely and having issues sleeping. We get to the party and my tent isn't a tent but rather a collection of poles and a rain tarp (I borrowed it and my friend forgot to give me the actual tent) so our host let us use one of the spare rooms and a mattress. No one at the party was shocked when they heard this and no one expected anything to happen because I was the responsible one. (You see where this is going, right?)
So we are at the party and I brought us each a bottle of wine. Nick drinks his and I down mine. Then we moved on to Jack and Vodka, Nick at this point is making the drinks and making them really strong. We ended up staying up until 4am and then Nick asked if I still wanted to cuddle. I said yes because now tired and drunk-ish me would really like to cuddle and be warm before bed. So we get changed into pjs and I meet him at the room. We lay down and then we cuddle, and then we aren't cuddling. He is kissing me and apologizing because I thought I was demi at the time (it was actually repressed bisexuality) and I kiss him back but it doesn't feel right. Lile the kissing was bad but it was more than that, it felt wrong. Then there are hands under my sweater on my chest and again it feels wrong but I am tipsy and wanting to please so I put my hand in his pants and then things fell apart. I told him that he had a Martha and that we should stop. I told him more than once and we stopped and went to sleep. He actually slept on me and he isn't a small dude so I woke up with a sore back. I left the party as soon as everyone was awake, I made up an excuse and took off because I was so ashamed about what happened and afraid that I had fucked up a friendship. Nick reassured me that we were good even though he had told Martha. I was skeptical but then miraculously we were fine.