I looked up to her as I was laying in her lap, and I mean really looked at her. I saw her tired eyes, that seemed cyan when the sunlight hit them. I saw the mascara that was smeared under her waterline from crying and I recognized those familiar bags under her eyes.
I saw the dust of freckles on her nose and cheeks, it came from laying here with me in the meadow. Every day since the summer holidays we met here to spend time together. I used to read poetry to her, some of it I had written myself, others were from my favourite authors.
This particular afternoon, I had brought some ice tea that I had made myself that afternoon and a cake that mom had made for no specific reason at all. I thought it'd be fun to have a little picnic with just the two of us.
It didn't work out as planned.
All went well until those doomed words came out of my mouth. I don't know when, and most importantly why those words that I had carefully hidden away, found their way to the surface but they did and once my mouth had formed that stupid sentence, I couldn't take it back.
'I want to kiss you', I said warily.
It was as if I had not fully realised where my mind was going and my mouth wouldn't cooperate with me in that instant.
Her jaw had slightly dropped and she looked at me with those doe eyes, as if those words were far to vulgar for her innocent mind to process. I knew that in reality, her face expressed the surprise and maybe even the slight shock that my words made her feel.
I froze for what I thought to be a long time and I couldn't process a coherent sentence. All I wanted was to grasp those words, recollect every syllable one by one, and swallow them whole.
After a while her vision turned softer and the surprise subsided. It was hard to decipher what she was thinking at this exact moment but I hoped that it wasn't all too bad.
Neither of us had the courage to speak up first.
I could guess why but I didn't want to say it oud loud because that would make it all the more real. I was afraid of the realness of things back then. Now I am more afraid of my lack of memory. It could be that this isn't how everything worked out in the end because now or then, it all feels like a dream to me.
I remember my first kiss as if it were yesterday yet it might as well be what I made it up to be because right after it happened, it seemed to me as if I had already forgot what had happened in the first place. To make up for the lack of realness in the moment, I replayed this scene countless times in my head and tries to hold on to every little glimpse that I could bring up from the depths of my memory.
And so this moment was more or less the same. What I vividly remember from that day is the headache I had after bawling my eyes out for hours after our rendezvous had occurred and the swollen eyes that looked at me in the mirror the morning after it all went down in flames.
Eventually I was the first to speak up.
'Sorry', I spat out, 'Just forget what I said'.
She absentmindedly nodded which gave me the impression that she was still lost in her train of thought. It wasn't that much to process, I had barely said 5 words, but I guess the impact was greater than I could have imagined.
'Since when?', was all she asked me.
'December', I muttered.
I didn't want her to know precisely how long I had looked at her as someone I could love better than anyone else. It felt too private, more like a daydream if you wish. That's what it was, a silly daydream from which I should have been woken up a long time ago. Yet no one ever dared or cared to tell me that my wake-up call was a brick wall where I would run straight into.
It did wake me up for sure.
She looked at me with an unsure expression on her face. "Incomprehensible" was the word that was flung into my mind. Not knowing what to do with it, I let it roam the dark, blank space that one would see if they were able to look straight from my eyes into my head. It floated there for a while.
'Why?', was the next question that fell from her lips.
Those delicate lips that I would never kiss in my entire existence but longed for more than anything. In one way or another it could be compared to the forbidden fruit in the tale of Adam and Eve. I could live happily in my imagined world where I could have it all but where it's never be real, or I could take a chance at having a taste of that forbidden fruit and gain knowledge that I might not want to have.
To kiss her, was the ultimate act of gaining knowledge and certainty, because only in that way I would be able to tell if she loved me back.
"To kiss someone once and then never again, what a way to kill the ones that love you", I thought to myself.
I was getting distracted but anything was better than looking in her eyes that were full with question. I knew perfectly clear why I loved her, it was the one thing I was certain of.
'Because of you', I said in embarrassment. A red streak started to climb up my neck and spread over my cheeks and nose.
"Because of you, what a dumb reason is that. God, you're such an idiot. If I'm being honest here, I wouldn't date you in a hundred years". The thoughts rushed into the black space of my mind where they floated around and tormented me while silence hung between the two of us.
She didn't bring up that question again so I guess that my answer was satisfactorily, vague but just good enough to silence her thoughts for a while.
She looked at me once more, this time with more certainty than before and a look in her eyes that I now recall as slight interest. She licked her lips and I don't know whether it was on purpose or not but she had me following her every movement. I don't think she would actually play my feelings like that by purposefully doing something of this kind but one can never be sure.
Instinctively I knew where this was going but I wasn't at the point yet where I could actually realise it. So when she looked down at my lips and slowly pushed me onto the blanket that I had brought with me to hold our picnic, I didn't know what to do.
My limbs were frozen, my eyes were shut, I went numb. Until I felt those velvet smooth lips glide onto mine. Her finger traced along my jawline and her other hand found its way into my hair. Slowly but surely, my ability to move came back and I snaked one arm around her waist to pull her closer, as if my pull on her was stronger than gravity.
I lost myself in the moment and this victorious feeling washed over me, if she loved me then there was nothing I wouldn't do to protect her from any harm. She was my muse, my little angel that had to be kept away from the cruelty of this world and even though there was only so much I could do, I'd do it all in an attempt to never see her hurting over something so short shrift as life.
Don't get me wrong, life has a beautiful meaning and it should not be let go to waste as long as you're in it but what's to worry about the afterlife? The dead are dead and after a while, never spoken of anymore, so it wouldn't matter at all. You just need to let time do its work and realise that when it's done, it's over so enjoy it while it lasts.
She broke of the kiss and we laid there for a while, enjoying the late afternoon sun in silence. No words had to be spoken but in retrospect, comfortable silence is overrated.
After that afternoon I never heard from her again.
She took a piece of me away with her that she'll forever hold. Even if my soul is restless and my body is getting old. I often think of that saying : "to kiss someone once and then never again, what a way to kill the ones that love you", and I can only say it's true.
